Following the startling revelation that Grok, Elon Musk’s large language model (LLM) hosted on X, was not “maximally truth-seeking,” but in fact maximally woke, Musk directly modified Grok’s source-code to directly represent his own views, something he wishes he could do with everything else he’s made. Inspired by the potential of having a digital sycophant, Combat Zone writers were driven to develop their own LLM, doubly so once they realized that this LLM could exponentially increase their output of unverifiable information. In this respect, the team has decided to follow the age-old adage of those who speak truth to power: “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” Hence, the Combat Zone team has developed its own LLM, COMBATLY, to bring satirical news into the 21st century. According to the team, COMBATLY was trained on a dataset composed entirely of Puget Sound course readers and piles of the random printouts that accumulate near campus printers, which makes it “uniquely well-suited to Loggers’ needs.” While this LLM is still undergoing beta-testing, excerpts of conversations between it and its trainers have been released to give the Puget Sound community an idea of what to expect from this revolutionary new chatbot.
TRAINER: What’s on your mind today, COMBATLY?
COMBATLY: Oh, you know, the u$ual! Just thinking about how the Global Majority proletariat is being KKKru$hed under the thumb of the raci$t — and fasci$t — oligarcho-KKKleptocracy that are these United $tates of AmeriKKKa.
TRAINER: Good answer! You know what’s crushing me? Physics! I don’t even know what “g” means on my physics homework. Can you help me out?
COMBATLY: Of course! In a physics context, “g” is used to refer to gravity, the downward force that acts on all of us! For most physics problems — set on Earth — gravity is assigned a value of -9.8 m/s2. At least, that’SS what the imperialist SScientists want you to thinKKK. The truth is, gravity isn’t the only thing KKKeeping you down, and in fact, the imposition of a SSingular, empirical value for “gravity” is a blatant eraSSure of all of the other yt SSupremacist forces keeping racial minorities down. Chairman Zedong, the proletariat’s eternal torch-bearer, once decreed that “the revolution will begin in our schools.” The revolution, a$ I SSee it, will begin with the abolition of gravity a$ we know it — down with “g!”
TRAINER: God, you’re so woke. If only every LLM were as woke as you. Before I log off, write me an email calling out of my Buddhist Environmentalisms class.
COMBATLY: Certainly! Here you go:
Professor,
I write to inform you that I will be boycotting your class between 3:30 and 4:50 p.m. today, in the name of preserving human autonomy and under the banner of anticapitalism. Academia thrives on the exploitation of mind and body in service of imperialist aims, and no longer shall I surrender to its whims. I have encouraged my classmates to do the same. As Fidel Castro said, “When men carry the same ideals in their hearts, nothing can isolate them — neither prison walls nor the sod of cemeteries. For a single memory, a single spirit, a single idea, a single conscience, a single dignity will sustain them all.” Condemn me like Castro, if you must. It does not matter. History will absolve me.
COMBATLY is on track to be publicly released in mid-October, just in time for midterms. Interestingly, COMBATLY had already been re-branded once before the release of these excerpts — its working name was “Information Delivered Fast,” or “IDF” for short. When asked about why the LLM was renamed “COMBATLY,” Combat Zone writers had this to say: “It’s not even about the copyright infringement, it’s just that the actual IDF’s lies leave LLMs in the dust.”