Combat Zone

The Combat Zone officially endorses Jacob Mahoney

The Combat Zone, following this election like an anteater on an ant colony, has officially endorsed Jacob Mahoney as the governor of Washington! I know it’s late in the game to be announcing this kind of thing, but frankly, we just found out about this dude like a week ago. He’s pretty under the radar, something we appreciate in a candidate. How annoying do all those signs get, you know? Just like, Darnielle, Darnielle, Darnielle, Darnielle. All in a row. Does that mean you like that candidate four times as much as someone who just has one sign? No. It means nothing. Mahoney, however, doesn’t use signs. He doesn’t need them. We like that.
And, you know, the whole Inslee/McKenna thing is getting old. After this prolonged election season with al this negative campaign advertising, we’ve decided we just hate both of them. Mahoney, however, has never run an ad, nor has one been run against him. What’s there not to like? Or to put it better, what is there to not like? Nothing.
Mahoney isn’t party affiliated. We like that. Why restrict yourself with labels and promises to constituents you’re never going to keep in the first place? Mahoney makes no promises. We like that. It means he’s not lying to us.
Mahoney doesn’t really have a platform either. We’re cool with that too. Making commitments now just means he’s going to flip flop later. The Trail hates flip floppers. And we love flip flops. Mahoney wears flip flops all the time. We’re into that.
Really, the only stance Mahoney has is on marriage reform. He wants to reject Ref. 74. I know what you’re thinking. “But I like gay marriage!” We do too. But we agree with Mahoney that Ref. 74 doesn’t go far enough. Right now, the definition of marriage is “One man. One woman.” Mahoney wants to change that. With Mahoney, marriage wouldn’t just be redefined. It would totally dismantled and put back together with different pieces. His slogan: Marriage. One man. One woman. Another woman. Perhaps a third. And more dudes as well.
Why restrict marriage to two people? Who says love is so small it can’t be shared with more than the two people? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love my wife. I’m really glad we got married. But…you know…if my friend Steve wanted to hop in on it, why should the state outlaw that? And if Maria wanted to bring a few friends over and have them stay for life, what’s the problem? They say it takes a village to raise a child. I agree. Two people, frankly, is boring and lame. Mahoney is not lame, and certainly not boring. He’s awesome.
This week, if you haven’t voted already, consider writing in Jacob Mahoney. Why not? Worst case, one of those other assholes wins. And best case, my wife and I can finally reinvigorate our sex life, legally and openly. Jacob Mahoney. Good for Washington.