Combat Zone

The Curse of the Ancient Cleveland Indians Fan Burial Ground Date: August-September, 1888 Location: All across campus Descryption: The university is known to have been built over an ancient Cleveland Indians fan burial ground, but the founders kept this a secret. The cover-up was undone during the first week of classes when voices, seeming to come from underground, were heard calling out to the material world things like: “What the hell? Did I break into da Rock’n’Roll Hall’a’Fame and pass out again?” and “We ain’t dead! Let us out! At...

Collins Memorial Library has been notorious for technological issues: printers constantly fail, all computers mysteriously reboot at 10 p.m. every night, and so on. It seems as if there is always one thing screwy with the technology. But last week, it was discovered that all the technological failures were caused by a computer programmer with severe dyslexia who constantly entered code incorrectly. Brenda Flarfstein, a 33 year-old systems programmer for Technology Services, admitted to suffering from “Ohwano” dyslexia—a form of the learning disability dyslexia where the person writes and types...

Libra:  Sep 23 - Oct 22 Try something new in the bedroom this week. Perhaps a Johnny Depp poster. Scorpio:  Oct 23 - Nov 21 Be aware of your enemies’ weaknesses. Pour milk into the vents of your ex’s lactose intolerant Honda, then watch as it plagues him with engine trouble and belches exhaust. Sagittarius:  Nov 22 - Dec 21 Let go of your conscience. Remember, you’ll never be popular until you can make fun of others. Capricorn:  Dec 22 - Jan 19 Your stars say that now is the...