Combat Zone

The Hey You’s: Dredging up the past

In celebration of The Trail’s 100 year anniversary we are running selections from the very first batch of ‘Hey You’s, which came out this week in the year 1914. Since 1914, Hey You’s have been collected in the very same box that is used today in Diversions. We hope you enjoy reading the beginnings of this long-standing Logger tradition, and you’ll see that some things about this school never change…

“HARK THOU,” my beautiful Southern belle turned Northwest flower: I want to engage in premarital fornications with you!

“HARK THOU,” sisters in the Alpha Phi International Fraternity for Women, you proceed to rock my stockings off!!!

“HARK THOU,” Diversions House of Exotic Beverages, hurry up! I have assassinated over 30 archdukes since ordering my beverage.

“HARK THOU,” what is the purpose of this box? Is this some sort of labor union I am joining? Regards, Lawrence Hamflakes

“HARK THOU,” close friend of mine, I have an inside joke to tell you. Depending on the publication date of this statement, I may have already told it to you. Still, I wanted to declare it in public. [Editor’s note: there were 73 entries nearly identical to this one.]

“HARK THOU,” come see the College Theatre Troupe’s performance of George Bernard Shaw’s Pygmalion; guaranteed to make the works of Henrik Ibsen resemble a minstrel show.

“HARK THOU,” sworn enemy, I dare say that my mustache is considerably more twirly than yours.

“HARK THOU,” Sir who gave me your perfumed glove as a sign of your intent—I would love to marry you, but I would like a second date even more.

“HARK THOU,” living-mates, I have poisoned your whiskey with water from the Sound. You shall die very painfully.

“HARK THOU,” come to the rally on Sunday to protest for the women students’ right to vote in the ASUPS elections. For the last time, this is NOT a joke!

“HARK THOU,” football teammates, cheers to another fine season.

“HARK THOU,” ruffian with the coal-powered auto-carriage, get with the times and purchase a gas-powered auto-carriage.

“HARK THOU,” I did not say that you sympathized with the Huns or Chinamen; I only said it was more than likely that you had anti-capitalist leanings.

“HARK THOU,” CHWS, the next time you are to remove a limb of mine due to gangrene, please give me at least one injection of opiates.

“HARK THOU,” one thousand Thank-Yous, Mr. President, for expanding the ‘smoking’ section of the student dining area. My doctor told me that I must smoke with my meals, and I now can do so without fear of offending the non-smoking Philistines.

“HARK THOU,” boys, girls do not have tuberculosis — ask us to a sunny afternoon ride on a bicycle built for two!

“HARK THOU,” College Radiograph Station, why do you play this jazz ‘music’? It is morally corrupting to the youth!—Pastor Michaelson

“HARK THOU,” Tobias Welch, I’ll be the France to your Belgium anyday! Which is to say, you will get beat up easily and I will protect you because I have an obligation to do so, and because defending you makes me feel youthful and important again.—Love, Your Mother.

“HARK THOU,” -.—–..- .-.-.. .–..—.–.-.-…-.-.- .–. -..— -.—- .–.-.-..-.-.-…-..-.– .-..—…-. -.—–..-!