Combat Zone

Ask the Love Attorney

Dear Love Attorney,

I am in love with a sperm whale. How do I protect her from Japanese whaling vessels?


Herman Love-ville

Dear Herman,

I sympathize greatly with your situation, as I once dated a Passenger Pigeon (yes, I am that old). It is difficult to love another species, especially one that is constantly under the threat of getting harpooned for its blubber by Japanese whaling vessels. You have to accept your love’s sudden and graphic demise at the hands of vicious flesh-merchants, and enjoy every moment you have with her before she is gored repeatedly by cold metal, for no other reason than to have her meat fill the tummies of hungry Japanese businessmen. But what about your metaphysical tummy?…It needs filling too.

I will give you this advice: kill the whale. It is the only true act of love. You could always try a murder-suicide, by covering yourself in a highly toxic substance and allowing yourself to be consumed by your love. As you are digested you will be forever inside her, as her insides slowly digest themselves and you both reach that higher metaphysical maritime kingdom where your souls can reside in the love ocean together, forever.

Just kidding. There is no afterlife. I do, however, recommend you move on and acquaint yourself with less hunted species—like the penguin or the ibex. No matter how you cut the blubber, the sperm whale thing is going to end up bad: if the Japanese don’t get her, the sharks will.


The Love Attorney