Combat Zone

Ask the Love Attorney: VD Special!

Is there anything better than VD? It’s the one day a year where lovers, madly in love, do for their amores what they should be doing all year round: showering them with confectionary affections and genetically modified flowers harvested in Colombia by an orphan.

But, sadly, VD does not happen only to those who have somebody to love, or pretend to love. In fact, yours truly—T.L. Attorney, Esq.—will be spending the day without a client: the plantiff of my heart is away in Thailand on “business.” So I know firsthand how soul-crushingly soul-crushing it can be to spend the most loving day alone. To remedy this I’ve come up with a list of things that you can do to beat off those nasty old VD blues:

1. Spend the day with your parents. Note how they are decaying. Note how even the rain of love did not save them from this horrific desertification of their beings. Love’s not so great after all, is it now?

2. Hire an escort.

3. Buy a lot of things for yourself (remember the proverb: ‘when you can love no other, love thyself; and, like all other love, self-love should be shown with material goods’.)

4. Take time to become well acquainted with a chemical of some kind: C2H5OH, C21H30O2, or even C7H8N4O2 (but only if you’re feeling really bad).

5. Write Twilight.

6. Make $2,000,000 selling some bullshit VD-themed items (Candies and stuffed bears always sell well). Laugh at all the idiots who buy them.

7. Remember how good you have it. At least you’re not in Bulgaria, or some other god-forsaken place.

8. Imagine what your ideal love looks like. Paint the face of your ideal love on a balloon and attach it to a mannequin. Give your mannequin a name and dress it up. Get into a fight with it and yell at the top of your lungs, ‘I give you life and love, and this is how you repay me?!’ Then, in a fit of rage, knock off its head and dispose of the body in a storefront window.

9. Watch romantic movies, like Hannibal and Saw 3D.

10. Call me, the Love Attorney: 847-555-6183. I charge $1.99 per minute.

Furthermore fret not if you are miserable from being “lacklove in Moloch”, because you will find your special love someday, and then you can be miserable for a totally different reason!

Don’t worry, VD is only a day. Unless you got Herpes: That will stay with you for life!


The Love Attorney