Combat Zone

Presidential Candidate Ted Cruz Finally Ready to Tell the Truth… Maybe

Last week, Republican senator Ted Cruz of Texas became the first politician to announce his campaign for the 2016 Presidential election. Since the announcement, which Cruz delivered at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Va., the senator has faced countless accusations of lying and making false statements, particularly because of the ad he released, which is entitled “Time for Truth.”

Plainstream media outlets like claim that certain things the Senator has said have been completely wrong.

“Here, we have Thanksgiving, we have Christmas, we have the 4th of July. Every year in Iran, they celebrate Death to America day,” Cruz once said.

“Many of the alarmists on global warming, they’ve got a problem because the science doesn’t back them up,” Cruz said another time. “In particular, satellite data demonstrate for the last 17 years, there’s been zero warming.”

Cruz’s campaign staff has been quick to respond to the accusations. “We want to gain back America’s trust,” the senator’s campaign manager Jeff Roe said. “And we want to prove to them that the Senator is an honest man.”

Roe’s first move was to send unpaid interns to Iran with banners that read “Happy Death to America Day!” The interns will hang up the banners in Tehran’s most bustling public squares and pass out fliers advertising the event, which Cruz has decided will take place on April 5. These interns will also use Twitter, Facebook and Instagram to find out who the coolest DJs are and hire them for Death to America Day parties.

Roe himself has consulted advisers in determining what kind of cake Iranians generally prefer.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Chocolate or vanilla? Maybe ice cream cake? Do they have Baskin Robbins there or is that jahiliya?”

Roe consulted Cruz, who imagines Death to America Day being a cross between a birthday party and “one of their Islamist holidays.” Roe has hired experts to determine what those “Islamist holidays” are.

The senator’s campaign has also addressed his comment about global warming. “If the Senator was wrong, then he would just admit that he was mistaken,” Catherine Frazier, spokesperson for Cruz, said. “But science just does not support the idea that the Earth is getting warmer. In fact, it’s getting cooler.”

Indeed, the campaign has hired a team of scientists to cool the Earth and thereby reverse global warming. Preliminary ideas include encircling the Earth with Klondike bars and blowing up the sun.

“I’m thinking a large air conditioner that we just set up on Mars,”  Roe said. “Or we could put it on Earth maybe? On the hot parts?”

“There will really be zero warming then and you’d never have to decide whether or not to take a jacket when you go out, you’d just always take a jacket,” Cruz added.

Head scientist of the Cruz campaign’s Anti-Global Warming Task Force David Hill denies that any of these plans are in motion and also denies association with the Cruz campaign.

“It’s a time for truth, a time to rise to the challenge just like Americans have always done,” Cruz said. “It’s going to take a new generation of courageous conservatives to help make America great again.”