Combat Zone

Ask the Love Attorney

Dear Love Attorney,

I like a girl a lot and I want to write her a poem to win her over but I am borderline illiterate and apparently horrible at poetry. I hear you are a good poet. Do you have any tips for writing poetry, or better yet, any already-written love poems that I could read to her?


Pablo Neurotic

Dear Pablo,

May I first say that you write very well for an illiterate, and illiteracy was never an excuse for being a bad poet. It never stopped Van Gogh—he was so illiterate, he had to paint his poetry!

Now, anent your request, yes, I do have many love poems I can furnish upon your love. The following is a poem I wrote to my ex-wife. It was not a love poem originally, but by changing one word in the last line—voilá—instant love poem:

Roses are red.

Quails are fun to hunt.

You slept with my brother,

And I think you’re a huge angel.

Give that to the fire of your loins, and let me know how it goes.


The Love Attorney