Combat Zone

This week’s relevant definition is relevant: “The Octobers” (n., tr. v., int. v., ppp) – when September 30th takes a giant dump in your esophagus and  nests there until Thanksgiving. Example: “Brofus 1: Dude y’alls dudussez, are ya coming curb-stomping with us? Brofus 2: Nah bro; I got a nasty case of the Octobers.” This week’s sage advice is sagacious (and also smells like thyme btw): Lissenapp dongpenguins! It’s 2013! Yeah! The time to don racist Halloween costumes is NOT NOW, NOT EVER, WAKE THE F*** UP PEOPLE. *CUE SEGUE...

After guessing several times, friends of Puget Sound student Ashleigh Howard told Ashleigh and The Flail that while her costume was both creative and interesting, they had no idea she had dressed up for Halloween or anything at all. Citing reasons like her ironic personality, nonconformist attitude and love for Goodwill clothing, Ashleigh’s friends then went on to defend their position, stating that aesthetically there was no difference between Ashleigh walking to class in the morning and her Halloween costume of the popular Game of Thrones character Daenerys  Targaryen. “At...

By MR. BUTTFIST Aries: Due to the lining up of Mercury and Venus,  a stranger will unexpectedly enter your life, through a very unexpected way. He will most definitely crash his car into the side of your house at 3 a.m. on a Wednesday. Taurus: Surprise! You’re pregnant. Gemini: Too much partying could have you feeling a little under the weather. The food and drink may have been great, but today you’d better eat plain but nourishing food. You may not be inclined to exercise, but a brisk walk or...

By YOLO ONO After a week of voting and intense debate, students have officially elected their best friend, some cute person and a guy running unopposed to serve as their new ASUPS senators. While some worried the decision to exclude each candidate’s Facebook profile from the ballot might hurt  the election process, ASUPS announced on Monday they are confident the Puget Sound community chose  their close friends and the most popular people to serve as the leaders of all clubs, an undisclosed amount of our tuition and most major social...

By VERNICIOUS KNID I pleaded, I begged, I even tried to board a plane to Canada; however, Stone Cold Steve Awesome has a cousin who works for the TSA and Mr. Buttfist was flying the plane so that went a fat lot of nowhere. And then when I got home Eddie Pissrex took a .44 out of his pockets and shot my bike tires (seriously?? Who the f**k carries a .44 anymore?! F**king hipsters). And so, as I perfumed the air with my garlic-scented sighs, I resigned myself to completing...

Advice of the Week:   “ Sleep more than you study, study more than you party, party as much as you can. Stay wild. ” —The Coquette @ thecoquette.net Classifieds:   WANTED: Wizard for permanent position.  Clowns, donkey hotays and Harry Potters need not apply.   FOR SALE: baby shoes, never worn. CONTACT: E. Hemmingway  via ih8thejazzzzage@yahoo.com   FREE: large male(?) alligator!! approx. 8’ 9”; green; likes over-the-ear-headphones; answers to “Frank.” CONTACT: Koopz 91.0 FM “The Tone.” Pick up at your own risk.   WANTED: Disney movies for nostalgic college...

Today, University of Puget Sound Confessions announced it will bring the experience of dating websites like Match.com and OkCupid to the anonymous users of the popular Facebook page. The dating service, officially named Confessions Dating, will let anonymous users like, comment about, climb, make eye contact with, obsess over and be downright offensive to other anonymous users in a safe and romantic environment. “Confessions Dating is all about bringing an anonymous and organic dating experience to our average user,” spokesperson ADMIN told The Flail. “Most of our users are just...

By EDDIE PISSREX   In an effort to raise University retention rates, the Puget Sound administration intentionally scheduled this year’s annual campus visit day during one of the worst storms Tacoma has ever seen. The directive came from the Campus Visit Program office (CVP) to hold the event this past weekend, and was made in order to “weed out the soft,” according to CVP director Charlie Feelgood. “Our levels have been dismal in terms of retaining kids for four-year terms,” Feelgood said. “And we realized that the kids from warmer...

So there I was...a tipsy parental unit to the left of me, an unclean, French-toast uniformed line of boy-creatures to the right of me, a one Mr. Jamin G. Queue (he would have none of the new, first-name-basis poppycock) teaching Cotillion around me and a bet lost to another writer from The Flail at the forefront of my thoughts, reminding me that I had no choice but to stay here and make the best of what was looking to be the interview from hell. As a “graduate” of the program,...