Combat Zone

Cute on-campus owl actually the undead

Onlookers were mesmerized earlier this week by a wild Barred owl that has taken up residency on campus in the President’s Woods.

This adorable creature, while majestic, is in actuality a revived corpse.

The owl is part of an ongoing research project between the University’s Biology Department and the Slater Museum of Natural History.

The two departments have discovered a means to reanimate this creature that was previously taxidermy.

The experiments have been ongoing for the last 20 years, but only recently have breakthroughs been made.

Scores of unknowing students grew the owl’s organs during various Biology 101 labs, using cloning techniques passed off as “research.”

Professor Alice Brown, head of the Biology Department, said to Flail reporters, “These freshmen aren’t actually doing much academically, so we figured they might as well be a bit useful.”

It took almost an entire semester once the process was finalized, but substantial results emerged around midterms.

The project is expected to help gain at least one of the department’s professors’ tenure.

Susanne Lewis, archivist at the Slater Museum, said, “You can only look at dead stuff for so long before it starts to get a little boring.”

Pressed later for details, she insisted on the “coolness” of the experiment, citing that the owl has a unique call not typical of the species.

Others around campus have claimed hearing, late at night, “boo, boo” calls around the library.

Point Defiance Zoo officials have approached the University to discuss adopting the owl for their own facility.

Richard Martin, director of wildlife at the zoo, remarked, “Well, we’ve never had an undead creature before. It would really be nifty, you know?”

Sources close to the University’s board of trustees have confirmed that a monetary offer has been put forward to the University.

University President Tonald Rhombus told Flail reporters he “has no plans at this time to accept any offers for our newfound Frankenfowl.”

Members of other departments that did not participate in the experiment have expressed skepticism over the project.

Professors in the religion and philosophy departments have raised their own issues.

Philosophy professor Paul Bluth asked in a recent town hall meeting, “But does the owl have a soul? Is it the same owl that it was in its previous life?”

Religion professor Alex Black posed, “Is it ethical to raise this being from the dead?”

Whether or not the petrified poultry will remain a campus fixture remains a puzzling question to be determined.

Whatever the case, it might be best to keep small animals and children close during these coming weeks.