Combat Zone

Student Complaining About Wi-Fi Wipes Tears Away With Tissues Made of Privilege

Following a particularly tough week of having to actually do some homework and studying with minimal access to Wi-Fi, student Whit was on the point of breaking down from the stress. Sources say he was forced to get his stash of tissues that his mom had sent him. These tissues are a rare brand known as Privilege Tissues™ that are actually made from the suffering of people who have what the brand calls “actual problems.”

Research has shown that the company primarily appeals to the average college student in the hopes that they can help them deal with the incredibly challenging life a student has while attending a liberal arts university.

Sources can also confirm that it has been incredibly effective at helping students cope with the difficult life they have.

“I was just a wreck. I kept crying and crying about how I couldn’t catch up on the new season of ‘House of Cards.’ Ever since I got Privilege Tissues™ I was able to at least benefit even more while others suffered. You have no idea how hard things have been for me. It made it so tough to even get out of bed in the morning. It’s like I have the hardest life right now,” said Whit through tears of pain at his unending agony.

Whit’s parents could not be reached for comment about their son’s current struggle but we were able to confirm that they were working to provide an education for their son that has subsequently forced them to work longer hours with little hope of retirement.

But let’s not talk about them, this is all about the sad experience that Whit currently has to live with. He is not alone in this, for this problem is widespread and not just limited to Whit.

“It’s something many students in college are facing these days. It’s called “ungratefulpunkitis” and has been something that many students are having to deal with on a daily basis,” a CHWS medical representative who agreed to speak with us on this issue said.

They went on to say that most students don’t even know they have ungratefulpunkitis until they get to college.

“It can hurt students everywhere, at any time and strike without warning. Faced with the sudden prospect that they have to take care of themselves and that the world doesn’t owe them anything despite their entitled upbringing can be quite shocking to people. It truly is a tragedy for all students who are hurt by this awful affliction,” warned the CHWS representative.

They went on to encourage students to avoid contact with any other students for fear of ungratefulpunkitis spreading.

Whit discovered he had ungratefulpunkitis when he had tried for the fifth time to refresh the same YouTube video of a cat knocking over a glass of water set to music that he called “gangster rap.”

He proceeded to spiral into an uncontrollable fit of rage and began whining incessantly, which is one of the primary symptoms of ungratefulpunkitis. Other symptoms include posting complaints on Yik Yak, ignorance to others’ real struggles and loss of friends.