Combat Zone

Campus drug abuse finally becoming a valid concern

An anonymous poll reinforces the campus authorities’ concern over students abusing drugs, shown today.

A whopping 68 percent of students “consume some form of dietary supplement,” Detective Joe Parsons announces. “I mean, sure, you’ve got a lot of vegans and vegetarians that say they take supplements to get enough iron and other minerals that they aren’t getting from their dietary choices, but are they really?”

Other skeptics also voiced their concerns, claiming that many students are in fact abusing iron, potassium and even calcium supplements in order to “stay healthy without killing animals,” or in other words, getting high.

“I mean, it’s really shocking that the school allows this kind of blatant drug abuse,” one concerned parent stated.

The parent described her daughter, Shirley*, returning home for Thanksgiving, refusing to eat turkey or any other animal product, claiming the products are obtained unethically.

The parent then described a horrifying scene: walking into her daughter’s bedroom, she saw many pill bottles, some with labels such as “Iron” or “One-a-Day” and her daughter “eating them like [vegan] candy. It was terrifying, I wouldn’t wish this on any parent,” the shocked mother said.

It is reported that her daughter will be pulled out of school and sent to rehab.

Unfortunately, Shirley is not the first, nor will she be the last, to be addicted to these so-called “vitamins.”

Many students are reported to have some sort of vitamin intake as part of their everyday schedule.

Why are these pills so popular amongst young college students?

Supposedly, these forms of supplements are thought to help “boost immune systems” and help students “prevent getting sick when living in close proximity in the dorms,” common excuses for students to secretly get high.

Some students even consume up to two vitamin tablets a day, a shocking number for some readers.

How can they afford these habits?

“A bottle of calcium tablets that lasts about three months won’t usually cost more than $10 in any grocery store,” stated expert Dr. Steven Sickle, leading researcher in teen drug abuse in Washington and founder of the non-profit organization Vegans Are Literally the Worst.

How are pharmaceutical companies able to afford these shockingly low prices?

Apparently, these supplements are perfectly legal to manufacture and sell in any store, as they “don’t have any damaging side effects” and are “thought to be beneficial,” as some hardened drug fiends like to claim.

Detective Parsons shares some advice: “If you’re gonna get high, don’t do it on campus, and more importantly, DO NOT get mixed up with vegans. They are the biggest dope-pushers, with their soy milk and gluten-free nonsense. Crack, smack, whatever. Just don’t get mixed up with vitamin tablets.”

One thing to draw from this: do not befriend vegans.

Advice well worth taking in any circumstance.

*FYI, names have NOT been changed because vegans don’t deserve the right to privacy.