After a long and heated conversation with my parents last Friday, I concluded that, when you really consider my actions, I am in no way an adult capable of being responsible about mostly anything. While I understand that legally I am technically an adult because I have experienced my 18th birthday, lived on my own and can buy my own alcohol, I believe these are just a few of the accomplishments a person must achieve to be a productive and effective citizen in society. For example, in addition to the...

In a spooky revelation that has shocked the campus community, sources have finally confirmed that the fabled ghost of Wyatt is actually pale student Jessica Walters. The announcement came after a three year study that followed the ghost during her time in Wyatt, noting its location, habits and the occasional small banter with other classmates. “At first we thought that there actually was a ghost in Wyatt. The ghost had class from 8-12, then would disappear, and come back for gender studies from 1-2. Once we started recognizing these patterns...

After several hours of grueling Flail meetings and multiple rejected drafts on countless topics, this reporter decided last Sunday that everything currently happening on campus is simply too sensitive to productively satirize. While satire can often be used to call out flaws with the status quo, poke holes in an argument and even make an interesting and thought-provoking comment on current affairs, the issues currently facing the University of Fuggit Noise are emotionally charged, difficult and generally should not be discussed in the fake news section of the student newspaper...

In an effort to promote diversity and inclusivity, local fraternity Lamda Lamda Lamda announced Monday that their next dance party will objectify every single person in attendance. The announcement shocked the campus as Lamda President Jay Cushon promised the student body anyone attending Lamda’s dance party on the 15th will feel used, uncomfortable and offended. “We are always trying to find more ways to be inclusive,” Cushon told The Flail. “That’s why we promise, if you come to our party, you are going to be objectified, no matter your race...

In a shocking declaration that has shaken the  fragile social structure of Stadium High school, sources in Mr. Bryant’s 3rd period study hall reported last Friday that Jessica Lassiter will date jocks, goths or just about anyone as long as the relationship forms organically. In the wake of the devastating revelation, students have been left puzzled and panicked as they speculate what the hell organic means. “Most people here think organic means a friendship has to be formed before any romantic feeling can develop,” cool kid Eric Stevens told The...

Local photographer Henry Fairday is on a mission to find a real live Republican to photograph on campus. Fairday, an employee of the admissions office, has reportedly spent the last six days looking for any student wearing a shirt emblazoned with “God Bless America,” Bible quotes, “NObama” or the like. The admissions office released this statement on Fairday: “Fairday is simply looking to take a few photographs that accurately reflect the  political diversity of the Puget Sound campus and in theory these photos ought to show more than just long-haired...

“House of Cards” is Netflix’s adaption of the 1990 British political thriller by the same name. However, “House of Cards” is no simple rehash of an old show; Netflix has improved upon the original and updated it for  modern audiences by replacing parliament with congress, the prime minister with the president, and restructuring the story to exactly follow Joe Biden’s rise to the vice presidency. While the series stays true to the British version’s themes of corruption and Machiavellian politics, I believe audiences will thoroughly enjoy the new but familiar...

While we all know the patriarchy is an oppressive, evil system that everyone has been brainwashed into supporting without realizing it, rarely do we realize how cute we are while promoting it’s terrible values. Even if you are not cute while marginalizing entire races and cultures, I bet you want to be! I know do. And I work hard to be freaking adorable and sexist at the same time! It’s a full time job. But I truly believe if we are going to be evil, we should at least be...

Expressing general concern over his GPA and scholastic future, freshman Erik Staton announced on Friday that he was unsure just how many sh**ty jokes he had to laugh at to get an A in his freshman seminar class. Erik’s seminar, which covers topics ranging from something outside his major to weird abstract concepts no freshman could really understand, is taught by Professor Nick Jones of the English Department, and is usually Erik’s least favorite class of the day. “I mean, usually he is a great teacher but every now and...

A study released Thursday by the Cato Institute found that the Puget Sound Model United Nations team is doing more things more efficiently than the actual United Nations has ever done in its rich 168-year history. The study, which defined things as any action that could potentially affect people and efficiency as if things are actually completed, reviewed actions taken by the UN during multiple crises and compared them to our own Model UN team’s previous resolutions. “Every instance we found, Puget Sound was taking action whereas the actual UN...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an act of bipartisanship unseen since the time of the great compromiser Henry Clay himself, democrats and republicans came together last Tuesday to pass a bill that will have six-year-old Jeffry Thomas, the boy seen on national news just that Monday questioning why Congress could not just come together and be friends like his kindergarten class,  stabbed to the fullest extent of the law by the end of the fiscal year. The bill, officially entitled The Stabbing Rights Act, outlines in 146 pages  how the fun-loving and energetic...