Combat Zone

On-campus ghosts revealed to be just really pale students

In a spooky revelation that has shocked the campus community, sources have finally confirmed that the fabled ghost of Wyatt is actually pale student Jessica Walters.

The announcement came after a three year study that followed the ghost during her time in Wyatt, noting its location, habits and the occasional small banter with other classmates.

“At first we thought that there actually was a ghost in Wyatt. The ghost had class from 8-12, then would disappear, and come back for gender studies from 1-2. Once we started recognizing these patterns it was easy to tell that the ghost was Jessica Walters and not actually important,” ghost hunter Marlin Mando, head researcher of the study and star of the Travel Channel’s “Ghost Hunters,” said.

While some are happy with Mando’s findings, others are questioning the legitimacy of the study, claiming that too many questions have been left unanswered to definitively prove Walters is the ghost.

“They don’t even cover the basics,” paranormal enthusiast Darc Flame complained. “The study never even explains the ghost’s ability to walk through walls. Some pale girl named Jessica can’t do that. Do they really expect us to believe this?”

Other questions raised by students include if the ghost is a person, why does she say “hi” to the same people even though they never respond, why doesn’t she speak in class and why is a show about ghosts on the Travel Channel?

Mando responded to these criticisms and more by simply stating they will be answered on this season’s “Ghost Hunters.”

“I’d love to give it all away but I can’t. We have a show to do. I promise you’ll get all your answers and more in the upcoming season,” Mando told The Flail.

However, he assured us the upcoming season will focus on a large amount of bullshit similar to the ghost of Wyatt Hall case, promising to include everything but real ghosts.

“The show is staying true to its themes of mistaking regular noises for paranormal activity. At one point, we even confuse an old woman for a mummified corpse. It should be a good time. Just trust us, we would never put a real ghost on this show.”

While students like Darc Flame aren’t 100 percent satisfied with Mando’s statement, they are willing to wait.

“After thinking about it for a while, I’m fine with having to wait to find out exactly how Jessica Walters is the ghost of Wyatt. I even have developed my own fan theories! She can’t actually walk through walls, she’s just so pale it looks like she is,” Flame told The Flail.

His theory proves to be a pretty solid one, as Jessica Walters is really freaking pale.