Combat Zone

Commencement Hall residents increase demands for luxuries

Now that the new residence hall, otherwise known as Commencement Hall, has been here for almost a whole year, some of the residents living in the building have apparently had some problems with their living space.  The following is taken from a leaflet that was nailed to the entrance of Jones Hall sometime between 11:00 p.m. April 17 and 5:00 a.m. April 18.


Commencement Hall Demands

We the associated members of the Commencement Hall Organization for Action and Decisions, or C.H.O.A.D., hereby demand the following improvements/changes to Commencement Hall.  We are prepared to make no concessions to the administration, as we believe as Commencement Hall residents we are entitled to these demands and luxuries.  If they are not met by the end of the school year the members of C.H.O.A.D. will kidnap and hold Dean Spike Koala’s hair hostage.

Our demands are the following:

• We demand more towel warmers.  There must be two to three retrofitted into each bathroom in the building.

• We demand larger rooms.  Our single rooms are not large enough to sufficiently live or lounge in.  We demand that all singles be upgraded to the size of doubles seen in Regester or Seward.

• We demand two (2) rows of reserved seats to all Tahoma room talks and/or dinners.

• We demand that residents of Regester and Seward avert their eyes when looking in the direction of Commencement Hall.

• We demand the tree on 12th and Alder that blocks many residents’ views of Mt. Rainer be cut down immediately so that we may better see the mountain.

• We demand that the heated floors in the Koala Room be incorporated throughout the building so that we may warm our feet at our leisure.

• We demand that the classrooms currently in use in our building be converted into common rooms and/or tennis courts to better entertain Commencement Hall residents.

• We demand that our free laundry machines pay us for doing our laundry to provide an added incentive to clean our clothes.

• We demand ceremonial guards to be posted in front of all entrances to Commencement Hall, and for them to be clad in Puget Sound colors and carry Commencement Hall insignias.

• We demand no less than five and no more than 20 golf carts to be used by Commencement Hall residents at their whim.  These carts must have the right of way over pedestrians and other, lesser, golf carts on all pathways around the University

• We demand a private line to the Cellar as well as a free of charge delivery service.

• We demand all Commencement Hall residents’ ID cards be covered in gold leaf, in order for them to be better recognized around campus.

We believe these demands are deserved and fair.  Commencement Hall residents have become accustomed to certain levels of excellence, grandeur and opulence, and these additions will meet those expectations.


The University at this time has not responded to the above demands; however, rumor has spread that Dean Koala’s hair has been moved to a safe location at this time.