By YOLO ONO
After a week of constant speculation and bated breath by the Puget Sound community, local longboarder and S.U.B. employee Dennis Mitchell finally announced Monday that his shirt would remain off for the upcoming winter.
Mitchell, who has not been seen wearing a shirt since July, followed up the announcement with a press conference held outside your window at 6 a.m. that day where he explained the thought process of his important decision:
“What it boils down to is hate. And I’m not gonna let some haters ruin my ride. Longboarding is something free from hate, ya know? I mean, I get that this long board is just a giant stick with wheels but that’s what makes it beautiful. A giant stick can’t be sexist or racist. And when I’m riding down Commencement with my shirt off and nipples chapped, I feel as if I’m one with this giant stick. Like I’m teleported to a world where racism and sexism don’t even exist and the only true fact is that this stick is in me at a very deep level,” Mitchell said to the intrepid writers of the illustrious Flail.
He then abruptly ended the press conference to catch some morning concrete before going to class in nothing but sweatpants and his rock hard abs.
In the wake of the press conference, Channel Five News Team reporter Terry Bechmit expressed general confusion over the longboarder’s statement and noted how the whole thing responded to no actual criticism of the longboarding culture at Puget Sound.
“I mean, you would expect Dennis to touch on the safety concerns of riding a longboard at high speed on concrete in nothing but pants and shoes in the dead of winter or maybe the obvious masculinity issues associated with constantly keeping your shirt off all the time. But no, he just told me that the haters need to stop drinking the Haterade and get over themselves,” Bechmit reported.
The Flail later caught up with Mitchell for a more personal interview in which nothing was really talked about at all.
“I remember at first I wasn’t going to go through with this no shirt thing and just slap on a bro-tank for winter. But my friend really gave me this great idea to do a thing with longboarding, no shirt and winter and I just rolled with it. So I should really thank my bro for that. Thanks Dude,” Mitchell told The Flail and his best bro, Dude.
Dude, unavailable for an interview, released a statement supporting his bro Mitchell, stating that “any haters hating on this bro should come speak to his best dude or else back off his bro.”
Mitchell, in tears because of his best bro Dude’s statement, told The Flail, “That’s friendship right there man. I love that dude!”
After a crying session lasting nearly five minutes, Mitchell finally elaborated on what his decision means to the Puget Sound campus:
“A lot of people are wondering if I can still wear things like jackets and the answer is yes, I can. Further, I want to stress that my decision will not stop the longboarding club’s plan to get matching leather jackets.”