Combat Zone

Top three cutest ways to reinforce the patriarchy

While we all know the patriarchy is an oppressive, evil system that everyone has been brainwashed into supporting without realizing it, rarely do we realize how cute we are while promoting it’s terrible values. Even if you are not cute while marginalizing entire races and cultures, I bet you want to be! I know do. And I work hard to be freaking adorable and sexist at the same time! It’s a full time job. But I truly believe if we are going to be evil, we should at least be cute while doing it. To help with your personal adorable oppression, here are Yolo Ono’s top three cute ways to reinforce the patriarchy:

3. Being Jaun Pablo, this season’s bachelor.

Whether you’re a guy or a girl, Jaun Pablo Galavis can teach us all a little something about oppression and its adorable nature. Men should look up to him and women should aim to be his model wife. But what makes him so amazing? Well for starters, his ability to gas light women and disenfranchise their opinions while looking damn good is uncanny. But what really sets him from other evil men is his fatherhood: Jaun Pablo reminds all of us that single fathers are sexy and datable but single mothers are just gross and weird. Thanks Jaun!

2. Being Chivalrous.

What says “I love you because we both play into the gender roles society forces on us perfectly” more than chivalry? Nothing. Chivalry not only strips women of their agency but also does it because of archaic, medieval values established when everyone thought women were just weird, messed up freaks without a penis. The dream, right? If you’re a dude, chivalry is all about holding the door open for your best girl because that makes up for her not having any actual agency in her relationships. If you’re a chick, chivalry is a nice way to accept flowers while saying sorry for original sin.

1. Not Questioning Him, Even When You Know He’s Wrong.

This one is for all my girlfriends out there. We all know our boy friends can be wrong every now and then. (I know mine still thinks he’s found my g-spot.) However, not telling him he’s wrong and just accepting his idiotic view of the world as fact is freaking adorable. He’ll prance around thinking he’s a sexual god and brag to all his friends that he made you finish twice last night. Well the jokes on him, you didn’t!  And I’m not just talking about issues related to sex: Don’t question him on issues relating to finance, the direction of relationship, or how you should be raising your daughter either. Otherwise he might leave you and that’s not adorable at all. Remember, relationships and marriages are a compromise so you shouldn’t have an opinion.