Combat Zone

Inclusive fraternity to objectify literally everyone

In an effort to promote diversity and inclusivity, local fraternity Lamda Lamda Lamda announced Monday that their next dance party will objectify every single person in attendance.

The announcement shocked the campus as Lamda President Jay Cushon promised the student body anyone attending Lamda’s dance party on the 15th will feel used, uncomfortable and offended.

“We are always trying to find more ways to be inclusive,” Cushon told The Flail.

“That’s why we promise, if you come to our party, you are going to be objectified, no matter your race or gender.  Even if you don’t dance with anyone and only stay five minutes, you will get sweaty, you will feel gross and you will leave offended. Lamda Lamda Lamda isn’t going to exclude anyone anymore.”

During the announcement, Lamda also revealed a plan outlining exactly how the dance party will completely objectify every single person there, including how offended one should feel while in attendance.

“To ensure every student feels objectified, we have certain things each student should expect to experience while at our party, “Cushon explained. “For example, every student will have at least one creepy person assigned to them during the party. The creepy person will stare at the student the entire time, constantly ask them to dance and will try to grind on them at least once.”

The plan also  mentions several ways students will be made to feel uncomfortable during the party including a dance floor without any ventilation, a DJ playing his latest mix and people basically having sex right in front of you.

While sources could not confirm if Lamda will also have your ex attend to spread rumors about what you like in the bedroom, they did state that, if you do attend, Lamda risk managers will definitely make some sexual shit up about you, try to hit on you at least once and then constantly try to start something with your best friends.

“Even if you find a nice person that you enjoy talking to, we will have a risk manager there to just watch you dance, talk and flirt. Then, at exactly the wrong moment, he will randomly pick one of you, walk up and say ‘you have a nice ass,’ and then constantly ask you to dance until you get frustrated and leave,” Cushon promised The Flail.

The Interfraternity Council praised Lamda’s plans to objectify all participants of their party as “the progressive step Greek Life, as a whole, needs to take. “

“I mean just the theme of Sexual Chocolate is more offensive and more progressive than Greek Life has ever been in the past,” IFC president Mac Miller told The Flail. “Everyone who attends can’t even identify as a man or women. Instead, everyone must identify as a filthy animal. I mean, it’s gross. Why couldn’t we think of this?”

After the recent criticisms of Greek Life from across the campus, Lamda’s plan seems to suggest that they have heard the complaints and are getting better.

“We just want an open Greek Life that will equally judge and objectify anyone who wants to participate,” Cushon added.