Combat Zone

Administration plans to install lazy river paralleling Commencement by 2014



ollowing a recent survey asking students what the next improvements made to campus should be, President Tonald Rhombus has unveiled plans for one long continuous lazy river to substitute the sidewalks between buildings.

The announcement was, however, met with some controversy.

Some students would prefer the river be filled with chocolate milk, instead of plain water, for example.

Others would rather see buildings made with  gingerbread or professors made of taffy.

“I’m glad my tuition is paying for this, instead of something useless like a better gym or a larger library,” one student said.

Another commented, “totally necessary in our warm, dry and sunny climate,” while shuddering in what appeared to be anticipation rather than the mind-numbing cold of the fast-falling torrent of rain.

The lazy river will connect to all buildings on campus, allowing students to get to their classes in a timely fashion while still having a relaxing, whirling ride.

The only downside? “Bird s***,” according to a chuckling Rhombus.

“Yep, these birds will be filling this river up with their digested nonsense! I don’t even know if we have plans for a filtering system, so this river will get pretty disgusting pretty f***in’ fast,” the president said, dressed in mahogany robes sipping on a high-baller and puffing at a Cuban cigar worth at least three grand.

The University will begin construction in the fall of 2014.

Resident hip-hop professor of Linguistix, Mike Ice T, also had this to say on the subject for the graduating class of 2014, “FUHGET ABOUT IT SEENYAZ. GO MAKE MONEY AND OFFSPRING AND WHAT NOT.”