Combat Zone

Campus more passionate about signing up for things than actually doing them

After collecting data over the past few years, an ASUPS study has finally concluded that the University of Puget Sound is really just  passionate about signing things.

The study, which collected data ranging from student petitions to sheets collected from clubs after tabling, ultimately proved that Puget Sound students will sign just about anything, no matter the cause or if they had any actual intent to follow through with what they had just signed up for.

“The most convincing evidence is senate petitions. All our senators have to get at least 50 signatures just to run. Yet, of those 500-some-odd signatures from the most recent election, two of them actually voted,” ASUPS president Eric Hopfenpoop told The Flail.

The study also noted the impacts of the campus’s love for signing things that included high expectations for an event only two people would show up for, an overblown GMO-labeling issue or debate thing and three ruined open mic nights at Diversions.

“At first, we were confused why students were so upset over the GMO thing instead of bigger issues like world hunger or their  inevitable death but, once we found that they really just liked signing things, that all made sense,” ASUPS puppet master Inigo Montoya reported.

In response to the findings, ASUPS has asked all clubs to stop petitioning for causes, having sign up sheets or providing any material students can sign.

A press release given by ASUPS last night outlined a new ban on signing things within 15 yards of campus, explained why preventing students from signing things was a just cause, and ended with Vice President Inigo telling all clubs upset with the ban to “suck it up” and that “no one wants to go to your stupid event anyways.”

The ban will be voted on next Tuesday at a special senate meeting and will include contracts, love letters, deals with the devil, tests, artwork and anything else the campus feels they need to sign for some reason.

Students have expressed general apathy towards ASUPS and the signing ban with the only outlet voicing an opinion in opposition to the ban being a club strictly devoted to signing things.

“We formed about a year ago to sign just whatever. If there is a signing ban we can’t sign things and that would suck,” president of the Dead Signing Society Cindy Loo told The Flail.

The Dead Signing Society has posted a petition to petition against petitioning petitions.

So far, over 500 students have signed onto their cause.

“We have gotten a lot of people to sign up so hopefully they’ll really come out and support our next petition,” Loo said.

The next petition will be created right after the big vote in the senate on Tuesday.

The Dead Signing Society asked The Flail to stress that the petition will happen despite the outcome of the senate vote.