Combat Zone

In an effort to promote diversity and inclusivity, local fraternity Lamda Lamda Lamda announced Monday that their next dance party will objectify every single person in attendance. The announcement shocked the campus as Lamda President Jay Cushon promised the student body anyone attending Lamda’s dance party on the 15th will feel used, uncomfortable and offended. “We are always trying to find more ways to be inclusive,” Cushon told The Flail. “That’s why we promise, if you come to our party, you are going to be objectified, no matter your race...

In a shocking declaration that has shaken the  fragile social structure of Stadium High school, sources in Mr. Bryant’s 3rd period study hall reported last Friday that Jessica Lassiter will date jocks, goths or just about anyone as long as the relationship forms organically. In the wake of the devastating revelation, students have been left puzzled and panicked as they speculate what the hell organic means. “Most people here think organic means a friendship has to be formed before any romantic feeling can develop,” cool kid Eric Stevens told The...

Neema Smith, a senior on campus, has found herself cordially invited to the University’s ‘Graduates of Color’ celebration. The ceremony calls to bring together students of color in order to celebrate their diverse paths to graduation. Except Smith isn’t a student of color. Actually, Neema’s parents are both from the Midwest. The origin of her name dates back to her parents’ gap years spent volunteering in Southern Africa. How did such a thing happen? How exactly did the University categorize her as a “Graduate of Color”? The confusion may have...

Local photographer Henry Fairday is on a mission to find a real live Republican to photograph on campus. Fairday, an employee of the admissions office, has reportedly spent the last six days looking for any student wearing a shirt emblazoned with “God Bless America,” Bible quotes, “NObama” or the like. The admissions office released this statement on Fairday: “Fairday is simply looking to take a few photographs that accurately reflect the  political diversity of the Puget Sound campus and in theory these photos ought to show more than just long-haired...

Two-time Oscar nominee Jonah Hill won an Academy Award in every category this year. The actor/comedian won in categories such as Best Animated Short Film, Best Supporting Actress, Best Foreign Film, as well as every single other category. The comedian was recognized for his stunning performance as director, costume designer, set designer, stunt coordinator, gaffer and literally everything in every single film produced by major studios all across the globe this year. He also made a considerable impression on the Academy through his groundbreaking performance in the movie Accepted wherein...

Through means that definitely do not have any parallels to Netflix’s ‘House of Cards’, so stop asking, The Flail has acquired part of the transcription of a recent conversation between Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin regarding the recent Ukrainian uprisings and crisis in Crimea.  This leaked conversation gives a clearer look not only into the strained relations between these two great powers, but also into the personal relationship between Obama and Putin.   O: Vladimir? P: Yes, I’m here Barack. O: I’m not happy Vladimir.  Your aggression in Ukraine and...

Ahhhhh...it has begun. Or, in the words of eminent philosopher and scholar J. Franco, “Spring break, spring break, spring break forevahhh....” Most agree that what happens over spring break stays there, and so in anticipation of your post-break closed-mouthedness, we at The Flail have decided to interview the few of us that are actually leaving Tacoma to get their story before the evidence disappears from Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, texts from Mom and university webmail accounts (we don’t actually know why you’d bother with Outlook Express over Spring Break; we’re just...

PORTLAND, OR—Yesterday burnout hippie Abe Sizzlebrook was found dead on the kitchen floor of his apartment with a slimy brown-orange kombucha monster attached to his face, like something straight out of a B-grade movie. Sizzlebrook’s friends tell us that he had been making an enormous vat of kombucha in order to share it with other volunteers at his local organic farm, so no one could have expected that it would be the death of him. Indeed, unbeknownst to anyone, the culture at the bottom of the mixture became so prominent...

Warning: #hashtag hex still in effect! The following hashies have been declared as UNSAFE for user consumption, prevarication, distillation, penetration:   #sciencefail - results in some form of atomic warfare. There really is no cure for the bomb. Goddammit.   #stonecoldsteveawesome - Your 1 tru fren. = ^_______________^ = May raid your linguistic closet for spare punctuation and f**k with the language settings on your laptop and phone so that everything is in Japanese.   #preach - gets you some bitchass butthead who follows you around for a week straight...

“House of Cards” is Netflix’s adaption of the 1990 British political thriller by the same name. However, “House of Cards” is no simple rehash of an old show; Netflix has improved upon the original and updated it for  modern audiences by replacing parliament with congress, the prime minister with the president, and restructuring the story to exactly follow Joe Biden’s rise to the vice presidency. While the series stays true to the British version’s themes of corruption and Machiavellian politics, I believe audiences will thoroughly enjoy the new but familiar...