Combat Zone

Obama vs. Putin

Through means that definitely do not have any parallels to Netflix’s ‘House of Cards’, so stop asking, The Flail has acquired part of the transcription of a recent conversation between Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin regarding the recent Ukrainian uprisings and crisis in Crimea.  This leaked conversation gives a clearer look not only into the strained relations between these two great powers, but also into the personal relationship between Obama and Putin.


O: Vladimir?

P: Yes, I’m here Barack.

O: I’m not happy Vladimir.  Your aggression in Ukraine and Crimea is completely counter to not only the current international norms, but also international law.  Invading Georgia was one thing, but this time you’ve gone too far.

P: Mr. President, I am fully aware of these things, but there is nothing you can do about this matter.  Ukraine as an EU and potential NATO member puts your friends in Europe too close to my doorstep.  I needed to stop it, so I took some of Ukraine for myself.

O: This is some 20th century stuff Vlad, you can’t go around just invading countries just because you feel like it.  I don’t know any country in the modern day that would do that.  You can’t just do that.

P: Yes I can Mr. President.

O: No you can’t.

P: Yahuh.

O: Nuh uh.

P: I could totally invade Ukraine if I wanted.  No problem.

O: No way Vlad.

P: Yea way.

O: (Pause) 1 2 3 NO INVADESIES!

P: дерьмо!  No fair! I already used mine on Syria.  What am I supposed to do with all these tanks?!

O: That’s how I play Vladdy.  Deal with it.

P: I guess I’ll just hold a referendum or something, geeze. Thanks Obama. (hangs up)


The effects of this style of foreign policy are not yet known.  The “no invadesies” strategy is sometimes forgotten about and seldom used.  However, this is a clear example of its use by the Obama administration. This strategy has worked well since its use following the Korean War in 1955. It seems the three North Korean regimes since that time have respected its legitimacy and not invaded South Korea. However, it famously failed after the Munich conference when British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain used it on Hitler, who had his fingers crossed at the time. This would come to be known as the greatest blunder in the history of Foreign Policy.