Combat Zone

As an alumnus it has come to my attention that the University plans to remodel Club Rendezvous in the coming years. This recent revelation has brought up a slew of memories at what we then called Rendezvous 54, and how it defined my time at Puget Sound. Rendezvous was the place to be seen on a Friday night in 1976. I was a freshman and had only heard rumors of the Rendezvous 54 glory. My stomach was in knots but my hair was feathered and fresh and my jeans fit...

A new hero has been patrolling the mean street of Tacoma, dealing out his own brand of justice, foiling a recent string of Taco Bell robberies. “Don’t know what to do about it,” Chief of Police O’Hanigan McFlattery Sullivan said. “First of all, it’s pretty bizzare someone would make a point of only robbing Taco Bells since they all have time lock safes. Even if you were successful you’d only make it out with $40.” “And secondly,” Sullivan continued, “why would a vigilante focus only on protecting Taco Bells? Do...

The streets of Seattle were anything but calm during Saturday’s “Keep Calm” street fair downtown. The benefit, meant to raise money for the city’s public education fund by selling those annoying “Keep Calm and—” posters, turned gruesome after fair-goers became so calm that many of them forgot to breathe and died of oxygen deprivation. The seemingly random collapse of twelve people sparked an immense panic among some in the crowd. However, due to the influence of the “Keep Calm” posters, many people simply refused to move and were either killed...

The 2012-2013 school year has seen a drastic uptake in the number of jobs outsourced to students, the most obvious being the new self-swipe card machines in the S.U.B. But more changes are on their way as part of the ten-year plan for the University. The first change to be made involves eliminating as many workers from the S.U.B. as possible. “S.U.B. jobs are probably a huge drain on the University budget,” sophomore Hayley Grey said. “I mean students never stop eating so they have to keep it open all...

We can all agree on some things: it sucks being tired late at night with loads of work left, everyone knows that. This is generally the case for me, as a biology and math double major. I’m not complaining, I know we’re all busy. But when I’m up trying to get work done, I usually turn to the library or some other secluded location, and I know many of you do as well. The problem is that I define  “work” differently than the majority of people. For me, it usually...

Just last week, Elizabeth Queens, 18, a freshman at Puget Sound, made a shocking discovery. Distraught after her fifth break up since registering for classes, she was walking despondently to 7/11 for a cherry slushie, when something amazing happened. “I looked up and realized I had been staring at my shoes, counting the tears splashing on my laces, and had walked right across Sixth! I panicked! All the signs had strange, s-shaped symbols on them, and all the streets took crazy swerves in all kinds of directions. The craziest part...

I think, therefore I am. It is a well-known philosophical concept that will have any douchebag philosophy major prattling on about how much Philosophy 101 changed his life freshman year. (He will then ring you up, and you can leave McDonald’s in peace). Unfortunately, it would appear that this basic philosophy lesson is suspected as the cause for the recent disappearance of a Puget Sound philosophy student. During the first week of classes, freshman Marty Willbury was reported missing after Professor Paul Loeb informed Willbury that he wasn’t thinking clearly...

Seated in towers of inscrutable power, the RAs of the University of  Puget Sound seem above all authority, almost transcending the political discourse of the Puget Sound campus. These so-called “resident advisors” have, for some time, been an elusive organization, independent from Security Services, even the police. They report to no one and nothing but their own grossly exaggerated sense of justice. Yet they are tolerated by the administration, even publicly admired by many students. The controversy surrounding their hazy beginnings has divided the student body. “I think they’re heroes!”...

Earlier this week, a professor accused the University’s Tenure Review Board of hazing its incoming faculty members.  The scandal has evoked several strong responses from the general University population, as well as president Ronald Thomas. “It seems as though we were living with another Greek house without realizing it,” Thomas said earlier today. One professor who agreed with the hazing said, “It really brings the department together and creates a stronger bond between colleagues. After all, it’s about putting the students first.” Professors up for tenure were allegedly paddled with...

Deposed Tunisian dictator Mahmahbod Abudablahblah is coming to Puget Sound and will be speaking in Schneebeck Concert Hall this coming Wednesday at 7 p.m. Abudablahblah is best remembered as the leader of the first regime to be deposed by the Arab Spring, setting off a chain of revolutions that continue in the region today. The Abudablahblah regime was responsible for the death of hundreds of political dissidents and members of rival tribes. Yet the former dictator’s message to the campus is one of hope. In an exclusive interview with The...

NASA scientists were stunned to discover that Curiosity, the new rover recently landed on Mars, made contact of a kind they never could have expected. “It was pretty much a typical post-landing rager,” Bill Ingall, one of the Curiosity team leaders, said. “A few guys doing blow off a hooker’s stomach rolls, that kind of thing, you know basic NASA stuff. I was showing this chick the landing footage again when I first saw it: a kind of black shape, right under the rover before it landed.” He called over...

It’s everyone’s favorite scent, and soon it’s going to be available in a department store near you! I’m talking, of course, about the sweet, chemical breeze that warms lungs all around the Greater Tacoma area: the Tacoma Aroma. Students and T-Locs alike agree that there is nothing quite like stepping outside on a cool, misty autumn morning and taking a deep breath of sulfur and ammonium zirconium plutonium paper pulp. That’s why former paper-millers-turned-entrepreneurs, Chuck Gastro and Ralph Hurley have teamed up to capture the beauty of this scent in...