Combat Zone

By VERNICIOUS KNID I pleaded, I begged, I even tried to board a plane to Canada; however, Stone Cold Steve Awesome has a cousin who works for the TSA and Mr. Buttfist was flying the plane so that went a fat lot of nowhere. And then when I got home Eddie Pissrex took a .44 out of his pockets and shot my bike tires (seriously?? Who the f**k carries a .44 anymore?! F**king hipsters). And so, as I perfumed the air with my garlic-scented sighs, I resigned myself to completing...

Advice of the Week:   “ Sleep more than you study, study more than you party, party as much as you can. Stay wild. ” —The Coquette @ thecoquette.net Classifieds:   WANTED: Wizard for permanent position.  Clowns, donkey hotays and Harry Potters need not apply.   FOR SALE: baby shoes, never worn. CONTACT: E. Hemmingway  via ih8thejazzzzage@yahoo.com   FREE: large male(?) alligator!! approx. 8’ 9”; green; likes over-the-ear-headphones; answers to “Frank.” CONTACT: Koopz 91.0 FM “The Tone.” Pick up at your own risk.   WANTED: Disney movies for nostalgic college...

Today, University of Puget Sound Confessions announced it will bring the experience of dating websites like Match.com and OkCupid to the anonymous users of the popular Facebook page. The dating service, officially named Confessions Dating, will let anonymous users like, comment about, climb, make eye contact with, obsess over and be downright offensive to other anonymous users in a safe and romantic environment. “Confessions Dating is all about bringing an anonymous and organic dating experience to our average user,” spokesperson ADMIN told The Flail. “Most of our users are just...

By EDDIE PISSREX   In an effort to raise University retention rates, the Puget Sound administration intentionally scheduled this year’s annual campus visit day during one of the worst storms Tacoma has ever seen. The directive came from the Campus Visit Program office (CVP) to hold the event this past weekend, and was made in order to “weed out the soft,” according to CVP director Charlie Feelgood. “Our levels have been dismal in terms of retaining kids for four-year terms,” Feelgood said. “And we realized that the kids from warmer...

So there I was...a tipsy parental unit to the left of me, an unclean, French-toast uniformed line of boy-creatures to the right of me, a one Mr. Jamin G. Queue (he would have none of the new, first-name-basis poppycock) teaching Cotillion around me and a bet lost to another writer from The Flail at the forefront of my thoughts, reminding me that I had no choice but to stay here and make the best of what was looking to be the interview from hell. As a “graduate” of the program,...

Not Another F***ing Vampire Book—is the title of a college-oriented fantasy novel, written for the next generation of young adults. Or, you know, people who still live with their parents but occasionally try their hand at adulting. It is the story of a young man somewhere between the ages of still-has-marketable-sex-appeal and broke-degreed-and-stupid who one day wakes up with the ability to suck the ink out of books. He also thinks he’s a philosophy major, so he asks his professors whether or not books are still books if they lack...

This week’s Philosophy Conference is already well under way by the time you’re reading this, and it’s very likely you’re not there. The reason you’re probably not there is simple statistics: Only about 20 people will show up for the two-day event, which features a wide variety of papers written by guest undergraduate students, as well as notable Keynote Speaker Noel Carroll, who will be giving a presentation on humor and morality. In a school of roughly 2,600 undergraduate students, that’s approximately 0.7 percent of the student body, or one...

The Trail has become aware, through the release of declassified documents and one well-timed blowjob, of an initiative that the University has been undertaking for well over a decade. Titled “Project Anaphylaxis,” the initiative seeks to recruit as many allergy-ridden students to the University as possible. It seems that Puget Sound administrators sought to bring together allergy sufferers of all denominations, from real allergies like peanut and pollen to homeopathic “allergies” to pineapple and other stupid things. Senior Stefan Oretega was not surprised. “I knew like two people with allergies...