Worlds collide: Pokeball Z
As if basement-dwelling, otaku trolls don’t have enough to cyber-circle jerk over this weekend, the teams responsible for two enormously popular series from the 90s, Dragon Ball Z and Pokemon, have just announced that in addition to Pokemon X and Y (which releases tomorrow for Nintendo 2DS/3DS), Pokemon Company will release a download-only title, Pokeball Z, within the month.
In pretty much every way, shape and form, Pokeball Z will be the same as Pokemon X and Y.
Nothing will be added to the new game modes from X and Y—there won’t even be new Pokemon.
Just like old times on your stickered-up, neon GameBoy Color, you’ll be collecting Pokemon and defeating other trainers’ Pokemon, all in the grand attempt to fulfill the old Confucian proverb: “gotta catch ‘em all.”
And don’t worry, the super awesome Mega Stone will continue to be a part of Pokeball Z so you can still evolve your super lame Blastoise into super awesome Mega Blastoise.
Really, the only difference is that once you’ve fully evolved your Pokemon, e.g. Mega Blastoise, you can evolve it even further by turning your Pokemon Super Saiyan—that’s right, Super Saiyan, with the spiky blond hair, whirring sound effects, full body fire orb and kamehameha blast.
All that shit.
Plus your favorite roided-out Mega Pokemon.
If you imagine Mega Blaistoise looking largely the same except for those iconic stylings from Dragon Ball Z, you’re right on point.
Apparently, the head of Pokemon Company, Kenji Okubo, who was nothing short of hysterical due to the new Pokemon games being released on the same day worldwide (he started sobbing out of sheer joy during a recent interview at Nintendo Headquarters and was kindly escorted out of the building for causing a scene), and is even more of a wreck now.
Following that interview, Okubo petitioned for a leave of absence, then promptly retreated to a sacred mountain temple not far from Tokyo.
According to his colleague Yuji Nakamoto, he did so “in order to purge his feelings of happiness through ascetic Buddhist ritual. He doesn’t want to embarrass himself or his family by appearing too contented with his life.”
God forbid that be the case.
As for the story of the game, Okubo confessed that it’s more or less the same as previous Pokemon titles, except that instead of fighting Brock or Gary at championships, you’ll be fighting the likes of Krillin, Piccolo and Yamcha who will proceed to complain about their lack of strength in the face of such immeasurably badass Super Saiyan Pokemon.
And of course, you’ll be able to find all Dragon Balls throughout the game, which will allow you one wish to be granted by the giant lizard Shenron.
The usual suspects Frieza, Cell, Maajin Buu, etc., will assume their reprisal roles and challenge you for possession of the Dragon Balls.
Ah yes, the dream of the 90s is indeed alive and well, but not just in Portland!
Now, thanks to Pokeball Z, you can relive the 90s through your Super Saiyan Pokemon, the ultimate culmination of 90s nerddom.
So, dear dorks, try to calm down a bit; you only have to wait one month to blow your load all over your favorite handheld electronic toy.
My apologies, that sounded wrong. I’m talking about your 3DS, not a Fleshlight of course! You guys are better than that…