Combat Zone

UPS Confessions now dating hotspot

Today, University of Puget Sound Confessions announced it will bring the experience of dating websites like and OkCupid to the anonymous users of the popular Facebook page.

The dating service, officially named Confessions Dating, will let anonymous users like, comment about, climb, make eye contact with, obsess over and be downright offensive to other anonymous users in a safe and romantic environment.

“Confessions Dating is all about bringing an anonymous and organic dating experience to our average user,” spokesperson ADMIN told The Flail.

“Most of our users are just too nice and manic to simply talk to their crush and can really only communicate through awkward eye contact and Tumblr. We aim to make that awkward eye contact and devastatingly low self-confidence mean something by letting users complain about random hookups, girls dating douchebags or how guys only want sex and then matching their confessions with users who share their daddy issues and naïve view of the world.”

While Confessions Dating is officially scheduled  for release in early November, users can already create their profile by simply logging on to the Confessions Page, clicking the create a profile button, entering their date of birth for some reason and then posting their unpopular thoughts.

Additionally, users can select their gender, set their relationship status and share their interests.

However, ADMIN told The Flail a person’s interests will work differently than on other dating sites.

“For Confessions Dating, a person’s interests are simply a list of what that person likes. A few examples we give are that blonde you made eye contact with for a few seconds outside of Wyatt or that Cellar worker you stalk in your free time,” ADMIN said.

Once the service launches in November, users will be matched with others based on their confessions, interests and compatibility.

“Compatibility is a very important factor of a healthy relationship and that’s why we chose to keep users anonymous even after they are matched together,” ADMIN explained.

“People posting confessions about love and looking for ‘the one’ don’t want a real person who will disagree with them and actually be active in the relationship; they want some faceless figure who will embody all of their unrealistic expectations of life and love. That’s why you never actually meet your significant other. You simply make eye contact with someone’s status, and if they make eye contact back, you then can like the status and the two of you are dating. If you don’t like labels or just want to fool around, you can alternatively climb the confession to express your suppressed sexuality,” ADMIN said.

“We found early on in BETA testing that users really just wanted some anonymous person they can dump their issues on and make to be whoever they wanted. So now we just count the number of times a user posts about their virginity, relationship status or that person they’re afraid to talk to and then match them with another similarly desperate faceless figure. You can then add your own photo to that match’s profile to really personalize the experience. And so far, every match has been very successful,” concluded ADMIN.