Advice of the Week:
“ Sleep more than you study, study more than you party, party as much as you can. Stay wild. ”
—The Coquette
@ thecoquette.net
Classifieds:
WANTED: Wizard for permanent position. Clowns, donkey hotays and Harry Potters need not apply.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, never worn.
CONTACT: E. Hemmingway via ih8thejazzzzage@yahoo.com
FREE: large male(?) alligator!! approx. 8’ 9”; green; likes over-the-ear-headphones; answers to “Frank.”
CONTACT: Koopz 91.0 FM “The Tone.”
Pick up at your own risk.
WANTED: Disney movies for nostalgic college student, preferably on VHS
CONTACT: imissmomalready@aol.com
LOST: slack line
LAST SEEN: with some idiot using it to hang laundry.
PLEASE RETURN TO: extremelycrustybrofus@gmail.com
FOUND: a tilde, an umlaut and a circumflex.
LOCATION: hanging out in a bar near N, U, and C streets.
CONTACT: theinterrobang@punctuationgonewild.com
SEEKING: Gladiators 4 murder club. Kill ur friends!!! :)
CONTACT: thisissparta@thermopylae.com
MISSING: Medical grade catnip. Pls has returns 2 Al Collins Jr. ASAP. Inlaws r n twn on Caturday!!!
FOR SALE: bespoke IDGAFs, specially priced for the student customer. Available from Sept. 27 —Dec. 10 in Times New Roman, Helvetica, Arial and Wingdings. No give backs.
Inquire within. Or not. Whatever.
Security Report:
This week’s Security Report is guest-written by Beyoncé. We contacted Beyoncé as a part of our recent efforts to give this newspaper a new, hip and edgy direction. We hope that our readers appreciate our choice and continue to enjoy reading real-live-print articles. Comments, complaints and other such wafflings may be sent to theflail.ups@gmail.com, where they will be summarily ignored, posted in public places or used as food for when the writers at The Flail forget to go to the grocery store. We look forward to masticating your responses.
The following items were reported to Security in the past week:
• 5 incidences of bike theft
• 1 incidence of hidden treasure
• 10 asshole smokers smoking where they shouldn’t be
• 2 mouth breathers
• 1 brussel sprout bio-hazard
• 20 students-of-a-certain-age puking all over the A/L, T/P and Seward restrooms
Beyoncé commandeth y’allz to:
• LOCK UP YOUR SHIT.
Rationale: People won’t steal your shit if they can’t access where you’ve hidden it. Duh.
• CLEAN UP YOUR SHIT.
Rationale: The Facilities workers are awesome. However, they are not your mom; they shouldn’t have to clean up after y’allz just because you can’t put your Friday and Saturday night messes in the porcelain throne like the rest of us. Grab a sponge and a pair of gloves and find that little canister of responsibility that you shoved to the back of your closet the first day of orientation. IT’S TIME TO A-DULT.
• DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE-SMOKER.
Rationale: The “the smoke isn’t in your face, it’s in my mouth” excuse does NOT work. So student smokers: we love you, seriously, and we’re not judging you (we really don’t give a shit), so stop hiding in stupid places within 25 feet of a building like your mom is going to find out. P.S. I’M TALKING TO YOU, BUTTHEADS IN THE STAIRWELL OF THE MUSIC BUILDING! THAT SHIT GOES STRAIGHT THROUGH THE DUCTS INTO THE REHEARSAL ROOMS. NOT OKAY. CAN’T BREATHE. I CAN’T-I-CAN’T-I-WHAT? HOW-DO-I-MUSIC?? HOW-DO-I-INSTRUMENT? FIRE!! FIREEEE!! EVACUAAAATTTEE!
• DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE.
Rationale: Listen up lemmings! Let me give you a little tip: no one is going to thank you for policing their habits; no one is going to like you for being that loud douche in the library; and no one gives a shit about your GPA. Have some respect, give respect, earn respect.
Love,
Your Khaleesi,
Vernicious Knid
