Combat Zone

Tacoma police announced the apprehension of 32-year-old Lance Boyle on Wednesday. The arrest came after a game of “Never Have I Ever,” in which Boyle confessed to being the serial killer known as the South Sound Jerker. The Jerker, who has terrorized the greater Puget Sound area for the last 10 years, rose to infamy as the only killer to use a dildo as a lethal weapon. His years of activity left a trail of nearly 50 victims. Those who were not killed were left confused and rather embarrassed. “I...

Since the unveiling of the new capital campaign One at Weyerhauser Hall’s opening night, the administration has updated its 10-year Master Plan for the University of Puget Sound. Here are some recent additions to the plan: Weyerhauser Hall is to be demolished to make way for the Weyerhauser Hall Memorial. It will be dedicated to the memory of those two construction workers that died during the destruction of Weyerhauser. The Arboretum will be populated with exotic animals such as tigers, cheetahs and okapi to help Environmental Studies students learn to...

Through secret administration cables made public on the whistle-blowing website Loggerleaks, The Trail has been made aware of a program designed to encourage female athletes of the University of Puget Sound to mate with the vastly superior male athletes from visiting teams. What has been named “Operation Conjunction Junction” in leaked cables is likely the combined work of the administration and the Eugenics department. It is hoped that the offspring of these encounters will combine the superior athletic abilities shown by our women’s and by the visiting men’s athletic teams;...

All of Tacoma was plunged into darkness on Monday. Temperatures dropped and loggers bundled up as the sun disappeared entirely. All evidence points to a long, damp and dark winter. We have been cursed. We won’t see the light of day for the rest of the school year. And it’s all Joey Duckess’ fault. Joey thought it would be cool to buy a bag of assorted herbs from a barefoot mountain man he met while slacklining. After selling Joey the herbs, the supposed mountain man gave Joey instructions on the...

When Becca Figurski graduates this Spring, she will have completed UPS’ very first Internet Studies major, despite the fact that no such major exists. Her major is self-proclaimed, the product of years of passionate exploration of the web. In declaring her major, Becca hopes to raise awareness for the thousands of students who just want to browse the net in a scholarly capacity. Becca starting her life of spleunking the tubes of the net when she was 10. Her father gave her a dusty Macintosh with Internet Explorer. By 13,...

Dear Puget Sound Students, Halloween is almost here once more, and with it comes opportunities for fun and temptations that must be avoided.  As the zombie President of this fine university, I have fleshed out a sapid list of delectable tips that might satiate your hunger for Halloween advice. We have a diverse and scrumptious student body with some of the best brains in the Northwest, and I know that you will all be respectful to each other on this most piquant of holidays. Nonetheless, I hope you carve a...

Halloween is right around the corner and the entire campus is talking about the same thing: the newfound celebrity of Ted Bundy’s ghost. Since his first appearance in the Schiff basement a few weeks ago, he has earned the nickname “Teddy the Friendly Ghost.” “I know he killed a lot of people when he was alive, but it seems like he’s cooled down a bit since dying. He’s become a great friend,”  senior Melissa Andrews said. “It’s actually kind of cute,” Andrews added. “He’ll try to hug people and give...

The campus was abuzz with celebration last weekend. President Thomas was on hand to shotgun the ceremonial diet soda in recognition of a milestone in the university’s history. “We have eliminated binge drinking,” Thomas said. “Gone are the days of reckless, rapid consumption of alcohol. The school is now promoting moderate, daylong drinking. It’s been a long road, but we’ve done it.” There were many who doubted the university’s capacity to stamp out the student population’s thirst for shots and the shenanigans that follow. The board of trustees, angered by...