Combat Zone

The campus was abuzz with celebration last weekend. President Thomas was on hand to shotgun the ceremonial diet soda in recognition of a milestone in the university’s history. “We have eliminated binge drinking,” Thomas said. “Gone are the days of reckless, rapid consumption of alcohol. The school is now promoting moderate, daylong drinking. It’s been a long road, but we’ve done it.” There were many who doubted the university’s capacity to stamp out the student population’s thirst for shots and the shenanigans that follow. The board of trustees, angered by...

How little do you know about your man’s body? Not a lot, huh? The average college male’s body is an enigmatic labyrinth of erogenous zones and pleasure complexes that only the most experienced adventurers should ever attempt to pleasure alone. Fortunately, after years of research and experimentation on my own body I have discovered the ten best ways to please a man. Be warned, the road ahead is difficult and treacherous, but once you get there you’ll surely find that summiting the venerable Mount Orgasm was worth the effort. So...

POINT: Returning Study Abroad Students Have Been Replaced by Body Snatchers. By Conner Stenner Ladies and gentlemen of the campus community: inhuman, godless monsters have overrun our beloved university. They have no conscience or moral compass. I know for certain that these returning study abroad students are not who they say they are. The people we once knew have been replaced by soulless, body-snatching doppelgangers. It’s shocking, I know, but look at the facts. Ever since those study abroad students returned, they’ve been acting suspiciously. Their outfits are the worst...

The Associated Students of University of Puget Sound (ASUPS) is now delivering to the student body exciting campus updates and broadening the social communications paradigm of Puget Sound with the help of their new social media devices! What better way to keep the student body linked-in and up-to-date. It’s not just the predictable Facebook and Twitter route, either. “We are hitting the students with everything,” Jim Chodar, creator of the ASUPS network, said. “Facebook, Twitter, Flickr, Orkut, Blogspot, Myyearbook. Literally everything. Even some old-school Myspace action.” Everyone is interested to...

William Dahlmann was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s when he was 67. William forgot memories, faces, he even forgot to wipe after using the bathroom. His grandchildren constantly extorted money from him, each day claiming that he had not given them a birthday present yet. After struggling with Alzheimer’s for nearly 20 years, at age 86 William Dahlmann finally forgot that he had Alzheimer’s, and cured himself of the disease. Scientists and philosophers alike have been trying to discover how this strange miracle occurred. “I have a theory,” Dr. Joe Morgan,...

ARIES: You keep tripping on things today: your thoughts, your words, the dead cat in the Wyatt staircase. Take the road more traveled—it’s better paved. TAURUS: You know the statistic that flying is safer than driving. Thank God, or you might be panicking about that engine falling off. GEMINI: Red is your color today. Someone with a sideways hat is going to walk up to you, and he’ll nod. This is your signal to get the cash out, in your right hand. You’ll want to enter a ‘bro hug’ with...

Students, We write today to address a significant issue that has developed on campus regarding your administration’s fundamental misunderstanding of the laws of supply and demand, as well as its serious deficiencies in fourth grade mathematics. With high frequency, bicycles were getting locked to the emergency bike racks (henceforth referred to as “hand railings”) around campus. While it may seem that reconstruction of the library entrance over the summer would have given Facilities ample opportunity to provide a sufficient number of bike racks, I can assure you that was not...

Dear Sexile Expert, My roommate seems upset with me when I text her about staying away for a while so I can screw her ex-boyfriend. I think she’s angry because it’s always a text, instead of something more engaging and fun. What should I do? From, Hapless in Harrington Perceptive, Hapless, very perceptive. Texts suck. That’s why my roommate and I have established an extensive network of specially bred messenger pigeons. Anywhere on campus, they can find me simply by tracking my unique aura of desperate loneliness. It’s sweet! There’s...

Hunter Richardson, ‘12, considered himself an OK guy. He recycles, goes to church on Sunday and logs off when someone leaves their Facebook open on his computer. But after three years as a Gender Studies minor, he made a disturbing discovery. Hunter Richardson is a man. And men are bastards. “I’m shocked,” Richardson said. “I figured I was okay. I had no idea I was just another throbbing tool of the patriarchy. I’m still grappling with it. I know I’ve only tasted the tip of the big, phallic iceberg.” When...