Combat Zone

Peace pipe ceremony botched; campus cursed to darkness

All of Tacoma was plunged into darkness on Monday. Temperatures dropped and loggers bundled up as the sun disappeared entirely. All evidence points to a long, damp and dark winter. We have been cursed. We won’t see the light of day for the rest of the school year.

And it’s all Joey Duckess’ fault.

Joey thought it would be cool to buy a bag of assorted herbs from a barefoot mountain man he met while slacklining. After selling Joey the herbs, the supposed mountain man gave Joey instructions on the ceremony that was supposed to accompany the enjoyment of the herbs. Mountain Man warned Joey about the consequences if the ritual was not followed correctly.

But Joey just had to try it. And Joey just had to screw it up, cursing us all to dank, soul-crushing darkness. Good job, Joey.

The exact nature of the transgression in the ceremony remains unknown, though a source close to the incident claims Joey puffed thrice and passed to the right. He was supposed to puff twice and pass to the left. So, despite an honest rookie mistake, it was most likely that move that seriously offended the elder gods.

ASUPS is currently hard at work trying to reverse the curse, hiring a shaman from the nearby Emerald Queen casino as a consultant. In addition, President Thomas has pledged to use his knowledge of ancient Egyptian magic to warm the campus in the interim. However, such measures will require a significant amount of virgin blood. The Honors House has stepped up to provide the necessary virgin blood, earning a coveted gold star from the University. Nevertheless, the sun has failed to rematerialize.

“Never fear, the great Sun will eventually return to its kingdom above us,” President Thomas said in a press conference. “His nightly battle with Apep, the serpent of chaos, is taking a little longer than normal. These things happen. But with redoubled prayer along with the recently donated virgin blood, we shall see the sun again before spring’s first robin. All the same, Joey Duckess remains an idiot.”

There is a rumor, however, that punching Joey right in his stupid face may be the key to breaking the spell. It’s just a rumor, but it seems pretty legit.

“I’m really sorry,” said Duckess, when he was corned for having the balls to show his face in public. “I never meant for any bad to happen. Please don’t punch my face.”

Whatever, Joey. This cold, dark, wet school is getting wise to your crap. And one of these days, it’s gonna punch your face until the sun comes back.