Combat Zone

Fun Ways to Get Over the Other Kind of March Madness

March madness: (n.) tournament of 65 college basketball teams, with the last team left being the National College Athletic Association Division I Champion; (n.) a period of depression and insanity caused by the unwavering cold and darkness between deep winter and spring; seasonal affective disorder.

It’s that time of year where it’s cold and dark and we start to resent our friends who live in Los Angeles. We quit smoking cigarettes because it’s too cold to smoke outside. We stay in and watch movies on Netflix. Some people call this phenomenon “winter blues,” but its true scientific name is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

Each year, there are three million cases of SAD. More people suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder than from all other illnesses combined. That’s scary stuff. Here are ways to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder. Disclaimer: I don’t have an MD, but I do have WebMD.

-Sunlamp: Some scientists and aunts believe that Seasonal Affective Disorder is caused by a lack of Vitamin D. One way to get Vitamin D is to get a sunlamp. I don’t have a sunlamp, so I settle for the fluorescent lights in my living room.

-Space heater: Not directly related to Seasonal Affective Disorder, but ever since winter started, I’ve been cold all the time. People will say, “It’ll set your house on fire.” I respond, “Is fire what killed Kurt Cobain?”

-Wellbutrin: I don’t have Wellbutrin, but I have a bottle of Vitamin B6.

-Light exercise: Exercise indoors at your local rec center or gym. If you’re inside, you can’t tell that it’s cold and dark outside. It could be 72 degrees and sunny for all you know. Stay inside, stay happy.

-Make your environment sunnier and brighter: WebMD recommends “getting better blinds” and “trimming the branches outside of your window.” However, I recommend painting the walls of your bedroom bright yellow (yellow is the color of happiness, just check any color wheel). If your landlord or RA asks you about it, just ask her if she’s ever felt happiness before.

-Prozac: See “Wellbutrin.”

-Zoloft: See “Wellbutrin.”