Satanic rituals in the library a cause for concern
Puzzled by the decision to close the library a full two hours earlier than in previous years, as well as unyielding resistance from the administration to allow a return to normal operating hours, our intrepid reporter, Ford Dent, went undercover to expose what exactly goes on inside the library after hours. He never returned. We found his journal two weeks later, with only a tattered sock and Ford’s favorite jar of mustard as proof of his existence. What follows are the notes taken from Ford’s encounter with what has come to be termed “Die Waldarbeiter des Teufels”:
11:45: PA system makes several announcements concerning impending closure. Staff seems relaxed and in control. Some students are leaving. Others redoubling efforts to watch a few more music videos before closing time.
11:55: PA continues to issue commands to leave. Staff is approaching students and telling them they will have to leave. Nothing suspicious.
12:01: Library now officially closed. Staff actively searching and escorting any remaining students from library. Firm but not forceful. I assume hiding position between “Journal of Menopause Management” and “Qatari Information Technology Report” in mobile bookshelves of basement journal collection.
12:07 Staff searching aisles of journal collection. Seem tense/nervous. Someone else entered room. Can’t see who. New person growled(??) Can’t make out any words. Staff cringed and left. Can’t tell if other person has left.
12:12: Other person hasn’t left. Hear footsteps. Distinctive clicks in time with steps, like tap shoes (??) Other person now making sniffing sounds.
12:30: Clicker left the room. Was replaced by figure in hooded robe (staff??). Robed figure began opening and searching aisles. Was able to surprise and knock out robed figure with bound collection of “The Macedonian Journal of Chemistry and Chemical Engineering (1964-1986)”. Dense stuff. Macedons take chemistry seriously. Took his robes and put subdued staff (unable to identify) in my hiding spot among the journals.
12:47: Ducked into first floor bathroom. Found source of clicking. Several persons in red/brown robes several feet taller then regular staff. Strong smell. Clicking comes from claws on feet (!!).
12:53 Tall figures somehow get printers to work. Actually printing. Jesus. Robed staff reading “New Princeton Encyclopedia of Poetry, Poetics and Summoning the Antichrist”.
1:03 Staff and clawed creatures finishing tasks. Activity now seems to be focused around Methodist Archives [in basement]. Following a procession in there now.
1:06 Staff start chanting. Sounds like the Alma Mater but not in English (Haitian Creole??). They keep jabbing something in a cage with sticks. Can’t make out what. Doesn’t sound happy, though.
1:12 All circled around symbolic etchings in the floor. Others still chanting. Cage is shaking violently. Several goats brought in.
1:15 All goats slaughtered with hatchet. Blood fills etching on floor. Cage howls. Etchings glowing now. Glow illuminates cage. Al the Cat!!
1:45: Floor under archives begins to fall away (portal opened?!) Al the Cat screams. A head pops out of portal. RonTom with Segawa hair and body of a bear! It looks straight at me. I poop myself. Technically the floor. Thank god I didn’t wear underwear today. Must leave…chance of getting found out too great. Sneak out of archives and up to exit. Copy of “Sex and Segregation in Temperate Bats” I forgot to check out set off book alarm. Bolt out of library. Lose pursuing staff in Arboretum…the wooden mushroom is glowing red…so beautiful…must slather with mustard…
PHOT COURTESY/SHANA MURRAYWOLF