Dear Puget Sound Students,
Halloween is almost here once more, and with it comes opportunities for fun and temptations that must be avoided. As the zombie President of this fine university, I have fleshed out a sapid list of delectable tips that might satiate your hunger for Halloween advice. We have a diverse and scrumptious student body with some of the best brains in the Northwest, and I know that you will all be respectful to each other on this most piquant of holidays. Nonetheless, I hope you carve a meaty sliver out of your day to feast on my suggestions. Time to get to the chewy heart of the matter:
Trick-or-treat at our house! Mary and I love guests. We have enough human jerky from the past fireside dinner to last months; we welcome you to try some. However, you must come dressed in Gorgonzola vinaigrette.
Keep the Green Dot program in mind. Green dots indicate some sort of infection or disease, and should be cut away from the healthy meat before consumption.
If you want a zombie scare without actual zombies, go up the ASUPS offices. The shallow, blank stares and directionless wanderings of the staff can scare any normal person stiff. Even scarier is that with the economy as it is you will probably become an office zombie, too!
Go multicultural with your decorations, and smear goat’s blood over your door, just like the Jews!
If you’re looking for the closest thing to ghosts on Puget Sound’s campus, try the Dungeons and Dragons club. They are an almost translucent-white and seriously frighten girls. Perfect!
For your own safety, DO NOT lock your bikes to the campus handrails. Director of Security Todd Badham is a werewolf. Your bones will be used to decorate our new Weyerhaeuser ossuary.
Fraternities: cut it out. Just because it rhymes with trick and you think it’s a treat doesn’t mean you can offer it up to anyone who rings your doorbell. Try Almond Joys instead.
I have noticed the trend that Halloween costumes seem to get more revealing for females as they age. Try, however, to avoid the traditional conventions of naughty nurse, French maid, sexy cop, etc. Instead, I recommend slutty salad bathed in Gorgonzola vinaigrette, or a salacious USDA-approved T-bone steak!
Have a safe and tasty Halloween,
Zom Thom
