Combat Zone

Drinking game sleuths unmask serial killer

Tacoma police announced the apprehension of 32-year-old Lance Boyle on Wednesday. The arrest came after a game of “Never Have I Ever,” in which Boyle confessed to being the serial killer known as the South Sound Jerker.

The Jerker, who has terrorized the greater Puget Sound area for the last 10 years, rose to infamy as the only killer to use a dildo as a lethal weapon. His years of activity left a trail of nearly 50 victims. Those who were not killed were left confused and rather embarrassed.

“I think we can all sleep better now, knowing this monster is behind bars,”  Adam Gruffen, Commissioner of the Tacoma Police, said. “And we couldn’t have done it without the help of those meddling kids.”

Those meddling kids are Donna Patterson, Tim Stokeworth and Reese Knub, all sophomores at Puget Sound. They have known each other since grade school, where they first opened their junior detective agency in a cardboard booth outside Patterson’s Tacoma home.

Over the years, they sharpened their deductive instincts by solving such mysteries as the Missing Kitty Caper, the Case of the Stolen Pies, and the Riddle of Donna’s Dad’s Drinking Problem. When they closed down their stand to go to college together, they were sure their detective days were done.

All that changed last weekend. It was a typical Saturday night in their friend’s house on N. Adams St. At around 10:30 p.m., with the party winding down, everyone gathered together to play “Never Have I Ever.”

“I noticed something was amiss when I declared ‘never have I ever used a dildo,’” Stokeworth said. “One of the dudes sitting around the table put a finger down. And I was like, ‘damn, what?’”

What followed was, according to Stokeworth, “a very careful line of questioning. Donna had the presence of mind to say ‘never have I ever hit someone with a big rubber sex toy.’ And it’s a good thing she did.”

“We knew we were onto something big,” said Patterson. “When I said, ‘Never have I ever been the South Sound Jerker.’ and the weird guy at our party lowered his finger, we had our man.”

The trio made a citizen’s arrest in the house, and then brought the Jerker to the police. “We got lucky,” Patterson said. “He wasn’t armed, so to speak, which made it a lot easier to restrain him.”

The sleuths have turned down the cash reward offered by the police. Stokeworth said, “It’s not about the money. Knowing we’re helping our community makes it all worth it. That, and the pussy.”