The Happy Trail

Caring for friends’ sexual well-being

When was the last time you were out with a friend and asked, “So, been masturbating lately?” or “What position did you and what’s-his-name try out last night?”

Most of the time, we don’t exactly consider these topics great conversation starters. Now I’m not asking you to go all Tommy Wiseau from The Room and ask out of the blue, “Anyway, how is your sex life?” but maybe good old Tommy has a point. Maybe we should be caring about each others’ sex lives more.

Sexuality is an inherent part of each of your friends, as important as whether they finally figured out that Rod Stewart song on guitar or beat their bro at Super Smash Bros for once. Sex is a natural and vital part of the mosaic we construct of ourselves.

The point being: if you care about your friends, you should care about their sex lives. Because sex (or lack thereof, which can be good too!) is helping construct their self understanding and self esteem.

Most people are not talking to their parents about sex. And certainly when you’re first getting to know a romantic partner you’re not going to strike up a conversation about the 12-speed vibrator you just got. So who can you turn to other than your friends?

And so, I propose that we all roll up our sleeves, un-bunch our panties, and get down to the nitty-gritty of true friendship. The easiest way to start this conversation is to open up about yourself: “Man, I was so stressed out yesterday, but then I jacked/jilled off and it totally took my mind off of it.”

Take it seriously! This conversation is not, “Bro-dude, I totally tapped that sweet ass” or, “Heh, Jimmy whacks off and cries himself to sleep every night!”

This conversation is about what you two do or don’t do to get pleasure. What gets you off. When a friend can vocalize this to you, they become more confident in their sexual identity, and their whole self perception becomes healthier. It’s like mental medicine, and you’re the sexy doctor!

Once you have this conversation, you can help your friend not just by listening but by helping. And no, pervs, I’m not saying to “lend your friend a hand.” I’m saying start by watching some porn together and pointing out what you like.

One time I whipped out my computer at the S.U.B. and announced to my friend that I had watched the greatest porno last night. And so we turned down the sound, huddled in the corner of the booth, and checked out some sweet lovin’. We talked about what we were into, and the next day I sent her more clips to make her alone time even better. Rubbing one out is always good for you—and I care about my friend’s well being!

For ladies especially, sex is a taboo topic—and god forbid you mention masturbation. If your friend is interested but intimidated, why not engage in some sexy philanthropy and get your buddy a sex toy? Stores such as Babeland always have buy-one-get-a-free-gift deals, so you can help yourself while helping a friend. Even without that, a little beginner vibe can be as cheap as 15 bucks. Give them a few words of wisdom to go with that buzz, and they’ll be ready to go. Orgasm: it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

And so, I think we should all care a little more about our each others’ sexual well being. Whether your friends want to explore it or not, it’s important to be a helpful, supportive resource as they consider an important part of themselves. So do go all Tommy Wiseau on a friend (but maybe work on the delivery). Let’s make sex part of small talk.