Combat Zone

Loggerleaks reveals secret varsity eugenics program

Through secret administration cables made public on the whistle-blowing website Loggerleaks, The Trail has been made aware of a program designed to encourage female athletes of the University of Puget Sound to mate with the vastly superior male athletes from visiting teams.

What has been named “Operation Conjunction Junction” in leaked cables is likely the combined work of the administration and the Eugenics department.

It is hoped that the offspring of these encounters will combine the superior athletic abilities shown by our women’s and by the visiting men’s athletic teams; the ability that seems to be wholly lacking from Puget Sound men, thereby creating very athletic babies.

Then, the when this “next generation” of sports wunderkinds have reach college-age the University will blitz them with all the riches a D3 institution has to offer. It is in this manner that the University plans to dramatically improve the quality of men’s teams in the next 20 years.

To implement this plan, leaked documents show, the administration has intentionally refused to supply women’s varsity teams with adequate locker space, forcing some teams—including women’s volleyball and women’s soccer—to share the visitors locker room, which are used by visiting male teams.

Already several close encounters have been reported, and the program has been given the go-ahead by the administration.

In the next phase of the plan facilities will install a pipeline that dumps excess steam from heat generation into the visitors locker rooms and the P.A. system will be programmed to endlessly repeat Barry White’s “Love Making Music.”

Several female athletes contacted by The Trail report strong feelings over the locker arrangement.

Junior volleyball player Katie Betamax had this to say: “At first we thought the administration were just bigots. After all, under what logical pretense could an institution refuse to provide equal locker accommodations to its athletes? None. But when we realized that the University’s motivation wasn’t sexism but instead eugenics, a twisted, amoral doctrine based in pseudoscience, we couldn’t really hold it against them. And the visiting guys look way better than our meatheads.”

None of the requests sent to the administration and Eugenics department for an interview were answered.

The extent and complexity of Operation Conjunction Junction is not yet known, but Loggerleaks has promised on their website to continue releasing further cables until “money wasted on varsity sports is put towards something useful, like getting Weezer to perform at our school.”