Since the unveiling of the new capital campaign One [of a Kind] at Weyerhauser Hall’s opening night, the administration has updated its 10-year Master Plan for the University of Puget Sound. Here are some recent additions to the plan:
- Weyerhauser Hall is to be demolished to make way for the Weyerhauser Hall Memorial. It will be dedicated to the memory of those two construction workers that died during the destruction of Weyerhauser.
- The Arboretum will be populated with exotic animals such as tigers, cheetahs and okapi to help Environmental Studies students learn to not be eaten and/or maimed.
- Commencement Walk to be painted with traffic lanes for Students and Faculty, Staff and those annoying punks with their skateboards.
- A brand new, state-of-the-art laboratory will be constructed near Harned to allow both students and faculty a chance to play God and create new and horrible forms of life.
- A Party Boy or Girl will staff each residence hall in order to increase resident togetherness by creating wild situations that the students will have to resolve, with expulsion being the only other option.
- A composting bin will finally be installed in the S.U.B. However, it will not be for food, but only for whatever paper money that students care to throw away.
- Inside each classroom, three walls will be installed, to create even more intimate student-professor ratios.
- A large sacrificial pyre on which to immolate the entire football team is under construction, as a thank you to the gods for another winless season.
- All the lawns will be replaced with astroturf, but will still be watered for that shiny, ‘morning dew’ look.
- A set of golden statues in the shape of our current board of trustees will be erected. This will also make our current board of trustees much better at making choices.
- Signs will be added that direct students to that totally cudi spot for smoking behind the Field House.
- Security carts will be powered by actual gasoline to replace those crappy, electric-powered ones.
- Kittridge Gallery will obtain several pieces of actual art from Sotheby’s, including: paintings by the Pre-Raphealites, one of Brancusi’s sculptures representing flight and one of those crucifixes covered in shit.
