Combat Zone

As freshman, we had about 10 days of blissful peace. Then the rest of you showed up. I thought I’d compile a list of some of the interesting things I noticed about our dear, dear upperclassmen, because you yourselves are probably far too high to make observations on any scale less than the cosmic. Throw on your prescription-less glasses and buckle up those tight ass jeans, because we’re off: 1.) You don’t want us freshmen guys at your parties. It’s cool. We get it. We have our own parties anyway....

When George Robertson woke up, he didn’t know where he was. He had no sense of how long he’d been unconscious, and he couldn’t feel his legs. Fighting panic, he called out, and a doctor informed him that he was, in fact, in St. Joseph medical center. “You’re lucky to be alive,” the doctor told him. This news was heartening to George. “When the docs started talking about how lucky I was, I figured something awesome had happened. Like, I dunno, maybe they gave me a robot hand or something....

A new anthology of student-created works celebrating a more traditional view of human sexuality is coming to Puget Sound. The founders felt that since the good students of Puget Sound cannot stop worshiping their sexual organs and their use in every possible form of media, a little balance was required:   “And ye shall feel me wriggling up inside yourselves, for I am the joyous eel of light and glory.”—Steve 7:12  ...

Due to the high price of commercial airtime, the National Football League no longer has enough money to air content during the Superbowl. Competition between national corporations has made Superbowl advertising the most contested of any space all year, and companies forking over huge amounts of money no longer want to give up their space for silly trifles like football games. The League’s financial problems have been caused by the 4-hour long Superbowl and its array of capitalistic philosophies. An average game, at 3.5 million dollars per 30 seconds, would...

What can I say about this show that hasn’t already been said? Hilarious, profound and at times deeply unsettling, The Vagina Monologues challenged my ideas about what it means to be a fully realized human being. Is it possible for a single evening to fundamentally change the identity of a man? Before seeing The Vagina Monologues, there was an aspect of humanity that I had, until now, written off entirely as one-dimensional and only fit to satisfy. I was shown the error of my ways, and in such a creative...

After years of loyal service, Grizz T. Logger is no longer the mascot for the University of Puget Sound. In a campus-wide effort to promote a greater sense of authenticity in the Puget Sound community, veteran lumberjack Jim-Bob Gunther has replaced Grizz. “Mr. Gunther’s employment is the first step the University is taking to bring us into the 21st century,” said University spokesman Phil Moore at a recent press conference. “Also, having an anthropomorphic bear who chops trees for a mascot is ridiculous when we can hire an actual logger...

The campus community is breathing easy after it was revealed that yesterday’s lockdown was a false alarm. The alarm was started by a student who notified Security Services about a wild animal on campus. The animal turned out to be Al, an ordinary house cat. Sophomore Talia Dunn was walking to Anderson/Langdon from Wyatt when she saw the cat emerge from a shrub and pace towards her.  Alarmed, Talia immediately ran to the nearest campus emergency station and summoned Security, telling them that “some sort of furry predator” was stalking...

After three weeks into the semester, visiting professor Robin Hopkins has yet to distribute the syllabus for his Anthropology 250 course. While there has been some growing concern in the Dean’s office that perhaps the class is being mismanaged, Hopkins denies there is reason for such concern. “How the hell am I supposed to know what anthropology is? I’m doing the best I can here,” said Prof. Hopkins in an interview. “Even Wikipedia doesn’t have a damn clue.” So far, the class has consisted of screening several Will Smith movies....