Combat Zone

Superbowl airtime too costly for NFL to continue airing Superbowl

Due to the high price of commercial airtime, the National Football League no longer has enough money to air content during the Superbowl.

Competition between national corporations has made Superbowl advertising the most contested of any space all year, and companies forking over huge amounts of money no longer want to give up their space for silly trifles like football games.

The League’s financial problems have been caused by the 4-hour long Superbowl and its array of capitalistic philosophies. An average game, at 3.5 million dollars per 30 seconds, would have to pay its networks 1.68 billion dollars to air during the Superbowl.

“We regret having to inform the public that unless we get rid of the Superbowl to lower advertising costs, we’ll never be able to have another Superbowl again,” stated commissioner Roger Goodell.

Last Sunday’s game may very well be the last televised Superbowl in human history, and some horrified fans have suggested simply not having the game during that hotly contested air space, ceding it to less popular bowl games.

“Instead of the Superbowl, why not simply put women and puppies in lingerie and place that game on the major networks?”  asked one team exec who wished to remain anonymous.  “That way, the Superbowl can be put on Animal Planet, at cheap prices, for real football fans.”

A unionized group of fans is now pushing for a “secret Superbowl.” According to their model, the Superbowl would be played on a random day, preferably a Tuesday or Wednesday, that’s not announced until exactly one hour before the game. Ideally, the game would happen between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. in order to take advantage of low viewership.

Businesses have expressed pleasure at this recent turn of events. A press release from Anheuser-Busch, one of the top advertisers during the Superbowl, had this to say: “We…feel that while the Superbowl is important, tricking people into buying our beer with commcercials that rely on sexist humor and nationalism instead of product quality is more important to our organization. As it is, we are very pleased that the Superbowl will no longer be competition for our fine Bud Light and Budweiser commercials.”

For now, NFL fans can only hope that serious changes occur to either improve the horrible Superbowl debacle or accept an unthinkable conclusion: that they must invest their feelings of love and affection in other human beings and animals, rather than a group of enormous helmeted men.