After a year of internal struggle which saw the cancellation of chapters and fierce battles for leadership, Greek Life has been replaced and will henceforth be known as Macedonian Life.
The great conqueror of the Greek Life is senior Alexander Jovanoski the Hella Chill—cooler than a polar bear’s toenail, fitter than a snug cashmere sweater and more merciful than a labrador’s best friend. All hail this achievement for what it is: a glorious step forward in the history of the fraternities.
A San Francisco native, Alexander conquered this social scene with nary the flick of his lighter finger through his vision and leadership and by the blessing of father Zeus (Jovanoski).
In the weeks since the unification of Greek Life into our Macedonian empire, members have noticed dramatic improvements. Thus spake pledge Josh Neumann, who said, “The bud is stickier, the girls are finer, and the liquor never runs out. Oh, and we’ve got moral rectitude out the ass, I guess.”
Regardless of the precise origin of this rectitude, it is doubtless growing. After only two weeks, all houses are reporting a record number of consensual sexual encounters.
However, the serpent-tongued critics have been quick to point out that Macedonian Life membership has surged, and most of the newer recruits are furiously having sex with each other, skewing the data.
Upon hearing this shameless libel and slander, Alexander the Hella Chill, lifter of a thousand-pounds, said, “Be cool, brah, and hit this shit.”
Take into mind, ye who listen to what you read, that the Macedonian tradition is about more than sticky-icky and mutually respectful anal sex.
“It’s about peace, man,” said Mr. The Hella Chill, bloodthirsty tiger of field and stream, whose bong-hits bring forth fear that Rainier is erupting.
Indeed, under unified leadership Puget Sound’s fraternities enjoy a new era of prosperity and joy. Steady relationships supplant casual hook-ups, shameful binge drinking gives way to gentlemanly wine tastings, and Skrillex begets “slightly mellower” Skrillex.
For all his bounty, some naysayers refuse to give their loyalty to the new king Hella Chill, bather of cute babies: “It’s bullshit,” said one cowardly bitch-child who requested anonymity. “I didn’t join Greek Life for this Macedonian crap…. What the hell is consensual? You can’t make me consent to this madness.”
While some pockets of folly still resist, the holdouts are few and far between, as all other, less adequate forms of leadership were mercifully crushed without clemency when Alexander the Hella Chill, whose areolas could cut diamond-studded glass, took control.
On the topic of the great future expansion of Macedonian Life, Alexander the Hella-Chill, selfless leader with O-positive blood, stays mum. Sources within the Macedonian empire say his ambitions lie beyond N. 14th street.
The empire shall likely expand to claim the sororities. The barbarous masses of Alpha Phi, recently weakened by nigh-incomprehensible drama, lie like plums strewn by the wind, waiting only for to be plucked by the mighty calloused hands of the Hella-Chill Alexander, wearer of many fine aviator glasses.
The considerable power, influence and mercy of the Macedonians, not to mention their prowess on the flip-cup table, make such a conquest inevitable. But whether he ultimately proves to be a conqueror or peacekeeper, one thing is certain: led by Alexander the Hella Chill, owner of many leather-bound books and magazines, a new era has begun.
ALL HAIL THE HELLA CHILL ALEXANDER JOVANOSKI!!
PHOTO COURTESY/COURTNEY RIDGEL
