Combat Zone

Tuition Now Costs an Arm and a Leg, Literally!

CHWS doctors get to work harvesting student limbs for the construction of a new welcome center. Photo Credit: Pfree2014 CC BY-SA 4.0

By Emmet O’Connor

The Combat Zone is intended as a satirical work. The views and opinions expressed by the Combat Zone do not necessarily reflect those of the Puget Sound Trail, ASUPS, concerned parties or the University of Puget Sound. Please submit compliments or complaints in the form of letters to the editor. 


  Following the initial announcement that there would be a 5% rise in tuition costs, the administration released a second announcement that they made a typo in their prior email and that tuition will be increased by 500%. This extravagant price for an education was met with extreme backlash from students, which prompted the University to establish a new form of payment for tuition: selling the University your arms, legs, and organs. 

  The new payment method’s rollout was announced on the University of Puget Sound’s Instagram in the form of a quirky infographic showing how the University would collect payment and how those payments would be used. 

  The surgeries to remove both internal and external body parts will take place in Counseling, Health and Wellness Services(CHWS) but CHWS is not offering anesthetics for those who chose this option so to those considering it be warned. 

  According to the University, once the payments are collected they are going to be used in the construction of a new “student reception center” right next to the one they’ve already built. The University reasons that for a building to be a student reception center in the truest sense, what better materials than the students themselves?

  We sought out student opinions on the student reception center. One freshman we talked to stated that they were “disgusted” with the idea of having a building made of human flesh. They did admit that they would probably be taking up the University’s offer and that they “didn’t need two hands to run their KUPS show.” The 500% increase in tuition costs is untenable for many students on campus and many feel forced into accepting the University’s proposition despite their disposition towards keeping their limbs and organs.   

  Those who have already submitted their payment through CHWS are thankful that they don’t have to take out more loans to pay for their tuition, but the vast majority of students are hesitant to take up the offer. One of the students that we reached out to informed us of their opinion that the new program was “inhumane” and a “literal manifestation of the predatory capitalism that informs the private university system.” 

  Some detractors of the new payment system made the point that the University is always building new forms of welcome centers instead of investing in residential building upkeep and making the campus ADA-compliant. There were also points made against the acquisition of students’ limbs and organs for the construction on both moral ground and physical ground with one student saying, “We live in Washington – with the amount of rainfall these limbs are gonna rot fast.” This concern on the maintenance of the flesh building is shared by the custodial staff on campus. The administration has not provided any counterpoints to this. 

  The University has not backed down from the planned construction of the student reception center. In a campus-wide email on the subject, they stated that “The student reception center will be a vital place in the campus community.” They seemingly missed the irony in using the term “vital” to describe the fleshy student reception center.