Combat Zone

Mascot replaced by actual logger, ex-con

After years of loyal service, Grizz T. Logger is no longer the mascot for the University of Puget Sound. In a campus-wide effort to promote a greater sense of authenticity in the Puget Sound community, veteran lumberjack Jim-Bob Gunther has replaced Grizz.

“Mr. Gunther’s employment is the first step the University is taking to bring us into the 21st century,” said University spokesman Phil Moore at a recent press conference. “Also, having an anthropomorphic bear who chops trees for a mascot is ridiculous when we can hire an actual logger to promote school spirit.”

Mr. Gunther, who was described by his parole officer as “well-intentioned and psychotic,” impressed campus administrators with his long and illustrious career logging in the Olympic Peninsula.

Holding the Felltop Logging Company ‘s record for most concussions while on the job site, Gunther’s primary talent is his ability to eat live animals.

Said Moore, “Not only will Mr. Gunther’s employment improve school spirit, but he will also address the crippling squirrel problem that has ravaged the university.”

While excited about not having to deal with work site concussions anymore, Gunther is quickly learning that being a mascot has its own challenges.

“First time I’m working un’neath a roof. Hot damn, Jim-Bob’s joining the future. I actually cut some of the wood in the basketball court not too many years ago, right around my first ‘acquittal’,” said Mr. Gunther from his new residence in the President’s Woods—a hut consisting of only a tarp and a cup of old yogurt.

When asked about his previous run-ins with authority, Mr. Gunther only flashed a toothless smile and .44 Magnum revolver. “Hell, boy, that’s why my crew call me ‘D.J.’: Stands for ‘Double Jeopardy’.”

Last week, during the men’s basketball game against PLU, Mr. Gunther debuted his halftime show to mostly positive reviews. While some were critical, others found it invigorating. His show consisted of speed chopping fifteen tree trunks on the court whilst shrieking the opposing players’ names to the audience.

The Loggers won the game due to the PLU team sneaking out after halftime. A spokesperson for the Lutes congratulated the Loggers and their new mascot, who was described as “awesome and terrifying and please don’t chop us up.”