The campus community is breathing easy after it was revealed that yesterday’s lockdown was a false alarm. The alarm was started by a student who notified Security Services about a wild animal on campus. The animal turned out to be Al, an ordinary house cat.
Sophomore Talia Dunn was walking to Anderson/Langdon from Wyatt when she saw the cat emerge from a shrub and pace towards her. Alarmed, Talia immediately ran to the nearest campus emergency station and summoned Security, telling them that “some sort of furry predator” was stalking campus.
Lockdown was immediately initiated, as Security thought that Talia was describing a gunman in a parka.
When it was discovered that the “gunman” was actually a cat, Ms. Dunn was confused. “I know what cats look like,” she said when interviewed. “I’ve seen exactly 1453 funny cat videos on YouTube. I’m also an elite member of LOLcats.com, with over 9000 pictures submitted. I know cats, and that was no cat.”
After being examined by medical professionals, it is now believed that Talia is suffering from a neurological condition know as Trollita-Fartov Syndrome. Discovered by neurologists Gorgia Trollita and Felix Fartov, the disease affects the visual centers of the brain, altering what a person sees.
TFS is believed to be caused by excessive time viewing animals online. This results in an inability to recognize some 3D shapes as a result of excessive exposure to their 2D equivalents.
While the cause of this disease has not been conclusively determined, doctors say that the risk of being affected with Trollita-Fartov Syndrome dramatically increases with each hour spent viewing online pictures or videos of animals.
“Research shows the replacement of the three-dimensional ‘true subjuect’ by two-dimensional ‘simulacrum’ can confuse many patients of TFS into mistaking online friendships, cats or games of Scrabble for the real thing,” said psychology professor Mary Snell. “This causes many sufferers to increasingly find shelter in their fake digital ‘world’.”
Prof. Snell told the Combat Zone that the best way to treat TFS was to slap the patient very hard in the face every time you witness them: playing “Words with Friends,” posting a picture of a domesticated animal that does not belong to them on Facebook or taking a picture of a sunset on their iPhone.
As of press time, Talia was still unable to identify cats when viewed in real life.
