Combat Zone

Victim not that lucky to be alive, just unlucky to lose legs

When George Robertson woke up, he didn’t know where he was. He had no sense of how long he’d been unconscious, and he couldn’t feel his legs.

Fighting panic, he called out, and a doctor informed him that he was, in fact, in St. Joseph medical center. “You’re lucky to be alive,” the doctor told him.

This news was heartening to George. “When the docs started talking about how lucky I was, I figured something awesome had happened. Like, I dunno, maybe they gave me a robot hand or something. I’ve always wanted a sweet robot hand.”

Sadly, George did not have a robot hand. Instead, the freak longboarding accident that landed him in the hospital had claimed both of his legs.

“They told me it was a blessing that I had even regained consciousness,” said George. “But you know what? I was having a really cool dream before I regained consciousness. And in that dream, I was walking. On my legs.”

George has filed suit against the hospital over his alleged emotional pain and suffering at the hands of overly-optimistic doctors, and is asking for 20 million dollars, or “the equivalent of two reasonably-priced robot legs.”

“They told me I was lucky, and that was a lie,” George said. “Having no legs is pretty f***ing unlucky, as far as I’m concerned. This sucks.”

Whats more, George asserts that after his legs were severed in the crash, his longboard careened off the road, killing his beloved childhood dog, Mr. Snuggles. In a cruel twist of fate, Mr. Snuggles’ pained and confused death moans attracted the attention of George’s fiancee, Amy. Running to investigate, Amy was picked up by a passing tour bus for the heavy metal band Pukesnake. She has since broken off the engagement.

“The whole thing pretty much blows,” said Robertson. “I’m not lucky to be alive. I’m just unlucky to be crippled and alone.”