As freshman, we had about 10 days of blissful peace. Then the rest of you showed up. I thought I’d compile a list of some of the interesting things I noticed about our dear, dear upperclassmen, because you yourselves are probably far too high to make observations on any scale less than the cosmic. Throw on your prescription-less glasses and buckle up those tight ass jeans, because we’re off:
1.) You don’t want us freshmen guys at your parties. It’s cool. We get it. We have our own parties anyway. We would stop by yours if we weren’t so busy knocking back 40s of PBR in our dorm rooms, praying we aren’t “communicated.” And NONE of you can come. Who feels left out now?!
2.) You give, collectively, almost zero f***s. Upperclassmen do what they want, all the time. I saw a kid skateboarding through crowded walkways while eating a cheeseburger today. The indifference he projected was like a force of nature.
3.) Upperclassmen have an innate ability to sense freshmen on walking paths. You see us, you hone in, and you don’t move a goddamn inch when our trajectories will result in an imminent collision. It’s like chicken, except we always lose. I’m considering renting a senior to be my fullback. I pay in laundry quarters if anyone is interested.
4.) Upperclassmen love to talk about how easy a class is, and then do poorly in that class. They may have gotten a C, but that’s what happens when they show up still drunk from last night to class 3 days a week.
5.) You are all much nicer when we bring our own beer. Note: this one was a suggestion from a female freshman friend, because, as you are already aware, FRESHMAN MALES DON’T GET TO COME TO YOUR STUPID PARTIES. But, she says, everyone treats her much better when she doesn’t steal your classy Met-purchased microbrews.
6.) You love to steal our women. This is just low. There are, what, 1500 or so girls at Puget Sound? Do you know how many would even consider getting with a freshman guy? one-fourth of them. We have a rather limited pool of applicants here. Do you really need to come with your poaching? Take a tip from the upperclass ladies and pretend the freshmen don’t even exist.
7.) Upperclassmen look like lumberjacks. Seriously, I don’t know what it is about the Logger motif that inspires this phenomenon, but look around. Hell, look DOWN. Plaid shirt, jeans, and a luxurious beard just dripping with what I imagine is maple syrup and the blood of the live wombat you just ate. This applies to girls, too, minus the beard part. Except you, Alicia. Steroids are bad.
8.) You guys never read the newspaper. I’d like to thank the four of you skimming this over breakfast for your patronage. The rest of you can screw off. But you’ll never know I said so, because you aren’t reading this. Damn you cruel world!
9.) Those of you about to graduate with degrees in anything but math or science hate yourselves a lot and regret having gotten a degree in anything but math or science. However, there is something positive in this: upperclassmen don’t ask what someone ‘will do with their major’, as if we lived in Communist Russia and there was only one thing you could do with a respective major. Kudos on your enlightenment, upperclassmen. Perhaps you’re not the exclusive, narcissistic lumberjacks you make yourselves out to be.
