The campus community was shocked to discover that the newly renovated Benefactor Plaza is a gateway to hell, unleashing droves of hell-beasts, succubi and damned souls into our reality. While authorities are investigating ways to close the gate, sources have confirmed that freshman hookah circles are to blame for what might be the End of All Days.
“Initially, we thought it was a senior prank, but we were wrong. So terribly, terribly wrong,” one Security officer said, speaking on condition of anonymity.
Reports of disturbances around Benefactor Plaza began soon after its completion. An investigation by Security Services yielded no solid evidence other than acknowledgement of a deep feeling of dread around the Plaza and sinister whispers in what was thought to be gibberish, but which were in actuality what Classics professor Barry Virgil determined to be “a corrupted form of Latin used by Lucifer and his horde.”
When the gate opened, Benefactor Plaza disappeared in a swirling maelstrom of smoke, maggots, burning flesh and compostable cups. Those who were in the Plaza at the time were enveloped within the festering column of death and damnation. Security has cordoned off access to the gate, as human beings cannot cope with what lies within it on a physical, mental or emotional level.
After the gate opened, a second investigation by occult experts determined that there was a specific set of factors that caused the rupture. One major factor was Benefactor Plaza itself, as its new shape resembles the Greek letter Omega. This acted as a channel for Lucifer to amass the army of Hell beneath, waiting for the proper completion of a satanic ceremony to open the gate.
When six hookah circles set up in Benefactor Plaza with six freshmen in each circle and six iPhones playing MGMT’s hit single “Time to Pretend,” the conditions were perfect for Lucifer to unleash the accumulation of thousands of years of evil back into our world.
The surviving witnesses who retained their ability to speak described the event as “akin to experiencing every nightmare ever had at once, on weapons-grade PCP.”
As of press time, the Gate is still open, with the new Commencement Walk giving way to the swirling vortex of flesh and fire of the gate.
Members of the campus community have had different reactions to the presence of the unholy and damned.
“The University of Puget Sound prides itself on a prejudice-free policy, and I see no reason to start discriminating now,” University spokesperson Megan Buscombe said in a press conference. “Every demographic has something to contribute to the community.”
No questions could be asked about the university’s plans to close the gate, as Buscombe was snatched by a group of winged, goat-footed demons and torn limb from limb.
