Combat Zone

Puget Sound Facilities reveals “Green is for Grass” campaign

Last Wednesday, Puget Sound announced its new “Green is for Grass” Campaign. According to the office of public relations, the goal of the campaign is to clarify the school’s sustainability practices amid complaints from student environmental groups.

“When we called ourselves a ‘green campus’, we never meant it in the sense of sustainability,” Facilities Services spokesman Mike Hunter said in an interview.  “What we meant was that we have the greenest lawns in the Northwest, and I’m willing to bet my job on that.”

The campaign began as a response to heavy criticism from the Students for a Sustainable Campus (SSC), an earnest little environmental club that was upset at the ambiguity of the University’s sustainability goals.

“Puget Sound claims to be sustainable, but with no campus-wide composting and gratuitous water usage, we just do not know how they can make that claim,” Wendy Fields, President of the SSC, said.

“Do you remember when all of those trash cans were removed because they were ‘an eyesore’? Now all the students plop their trash on those trays and belt it to the back room. Who knows what unsustainable practices go on back there?”

Mr. Hunter expressed regret that the SSC had spent so much time “trying to make the school keep a promise it had never even made. That’s the ambiguity of language for you,” he said.

“Oh well, with all the free time they have now, maybe they’ll do the things college kids are supposed to do like drive cars, buy things and cover the entire North End of Tacoma with empty beer cans.”

At the press conference during which President Thomas unveiled the new campaign, he  proclaimed that “Green is ForGrass” was just the beginning.

“Well-maintained lawns mean happier students; that’s just common sense,” President Thomas said. “The ‘Green is for Grass Campaign’ is the first of many plans…[regarding] sustainability. Look for the ‘Fountain Water at All Costs,’ ‘Let’s Leave Every Light  on All Night,’ as well as the ‘Shove the Compost up Your Ass’ campaigns coming to campus in the near future.”