Combat Zone

Last Wednesday was the wonderful day everyone on campus had been buzzing about for a month now. That event, of course, was the Midnight Breakfast! After its triumphant return from an awkward hiatus last year, during which drunken debaucheries, public vomiting, fights, rampant orgies and the singing of Dispatch’s “The General” caused campus authorities to take away a beloved and cherished eating of breakfast food, for fear that this sacred and holy event was forever tarnished. They tentatively allowed it last semester, albeit with full-body screenings and breathalyzers, extra security...

Officers within the University of Puget Sound’s security team informed the press today of an impending, full-scale sting operation culminating in a fully armed raid already in progress on the shadowy, mysterious corners of the second floor of Marshall Hall. “We’re up against smart, hardened criminals,” one sergeant, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of retribution against his family, said. “However, we’re confident that after months of tracing their movements, we can finally end what is certainly the most notorious criminal syndicate ever to occur on the second floor...

Ask anyone and they’ll tell you: the economy just isn’t what it was. Everyone has been affected by the national drop in employment, and recent college graduates have been some of the hardest hit. Humanities majors, in paticular, have suffered from the dip. As they see their liberal arts degrees failing to produce any form of income, some ask whether or not their chosen major can support them in the professional world. In order to combat this declining number of unemployed Humanities majors, the University has agreed to construct a...

This week we are running a feature article on Willy Bleck-Riggleson, a poor boy who, like many Puget Sound students, didn’t leave Tacoma this Thanksgiving weekend, having made no plans to celebrate. He didn’t arrive welcome and loved to a warm, loving family, around a warm, delicious turkey dinner in front of a crackling, loving fire. Instead, Willy stayed on campus, cold and alone, fending for himself amidst the tempestuously cold, lonely winds of Tacoma. Having already visited his parents in Eugene, Ore. over fall break, Willy thought he might...

For years, experts have warned that video games have a detrimental impact on interpersonal relations. Every study has consistently shown that the earlier children begin playing video games, the fewer sports or after-school activities they will engage in, the fewer close friendships they will form and the more likely their conception of an external reality will suffer. Even scarier, with the rise of such in-depth story lines and open world exploration made available by games like Skyrim, we have seen an increase in total hours spent immersed in this alternate...

It’s no secret that the world is hot as balls and is steadily getting hotter as ballser. Polar bears are pissed off, Priuses are getting uglier every year and somewhere Al Gore is sitting in a candlelit room on a romantic date with his Nobel Peace Prize. What’s causing this plethora of what-the-hellery? I’m talking, of course, about the greatest plague to our planet since Nickelback’s debut album: (cue ‘50s horror movie music) GLOBAL WARMING! That’s right, the sun’s slowly eating our planet like a reluctant fat kid eating his...

The following is an account of time spent in New York City during Hurricane Sandy by Trail reporter Jezebel Lightly. It’s 5 p.m. on Sunday. I’m on a New York City street, somewhere on the lower East Side. Today, the winds have begun to pick up. Trash is scattered everywhere and it’s beginning to pour. So, at a glance, not too abnormal. But you can feel it. This one’s different. The name “Sandy” is heard muttered beneath people’s breath. Stores everywhere have been boarded up. Pizzerias, with neon lights flickering...

By CHIMEZ SNAPMAN The past two weekends University of Puget Sound students have taken to the streets in order to celebrate the beloved holiday of Halloween. As Cady Heron from Mean Girls put best: “In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.” However, this is much easier for the California girls in the movies than the ladies of Puget Sound. While the Pacific Northwest managed to escape the wrath of...

Hello. My name is Jill Stein and I am the Green Party candidate for President of the United States. It’s kind of a big deal. You might be wondering why I’m writing in to your dinky little school paper. If so, you’d certainly be shocked to learn that I appeared at your school last Saturday as a speaker. No, I’m serious. Truly, in all actuality, I was here, on Oct. 20, speaking on the Politics of Courage Tour. This is not a joke that the stupid satire section of your...

The Combat Zone, following this election like an anteater on an ant colony, has officially endorsed Jacob Mahoney as the governor of Washington! I know it's late in the game to be announcing this kind of thing, but frankly, we just found out about this dude like a week ago. He's pretty under the radar, something we appreciate in a candidate. How annoying do all those signs get, you know? Just like, Darnielle, Darnielle, Darnielle, Darnielle. All in a row. Does that mean you like that candidate four times as...

Newly elected ASUPS president “Slick” Ricky Radelli has been outed as having laundered money to fund a political action committee, or PAC, to campaign before the elections took place. The PAC itself did little to help Radelli’s rise to office, as there were still fewer than 20 votes cast, most of which contained false write-in names such as “Seymour Butts” and “Megan Fox’s Thumbs.” Radelli won the election by a mere three votes, two of which were cast by Radelli’s opponents, Felix Dürtitrauser and Sally Soreass. “By nature, the Soreasses...