Combat Zone

S.U.B. ramen a cheap success

Last week the University of Puget Sound Diner debuted its newest Asian station success, ramen. Students lined up out the door on Sunday, a line amounting to more customers than the Asian station has had since its inception.
The ramen came with many different meat and topping options that left students foaming at the mouth. Little did the students know the ramen was the first in a long line of changes at the S.U.B.
Based on the highly successful results of having students roll burritos for their peers, the administration is making the switch to entirely student-cooked meals. This week’s ramen was brought to you by a last-minute Cellar run by S.U.B. worker Jonathan Pearl.
“My cooking abilities are strictly limited to packet ramen, tubed cinnamon rolls and meth,” Pearl said, his arms full of Maruchan Instant Ramen for his next shift, the classic ‘Oriental’ flavor.
“It’s a pretty sweet deal for the school, they must be making a fortune,” Pearl added.
With a 50-cent price hike from Cellar packet ramen, to sub ramen, students are paying more money for the same repackaged material, similar experience to watching Michael Cera movies. Wages for S.U.B workers will now include an extra $200 a week to fund the purchase of ingredients to make their dishes.
Additionally, all S.U.B workers can now add the title of head chef to their résumés, which will probably more helpful post-graduation than that philosophy degree.
“We thought about maybe adding some classes, and starting up a culinary minor or major,” S.U.B. manager Margary Madrigal said.
“But ultimately we know these students will eat whatever junk we put in front of them. No one wanted to put in the effort, and clearly no one would care,” Madrigal added as another 12 students purchased fried chicken, french fries and water, yet again.
By the end of the year students can looks forward to defrosted burritos, microwave pizza and raw cookie dough as the S.U.B’s main meals, with occasional guest appearances by Girl Scout cookies and Silk Thai leftovers. The S.U.B changes are a part of an overall effort to get student more involved in campus life and less involved in sleeping through classes.