Combat Zone

By Molly Clement   In breaking (yet somehow not surprising) news, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, CEO of Doofenshmirtz Inc., is apparently real and has been hired as a visiting science professor at the University of Puget Sound to replace retiring professors. Thus far, he has set up his laboratory in the observatory on top of Thompson Hall, and is specifically working with President Crawford on an ultra-secret research project to boost the student body's GPA by the end of the academic year. In essence, Doofenshmirtz was hired to create an “Oldifyanator” to...

  By Emmet O'Connor   Donald J. Trump’s victory in November and ascent to the Oval Office for a second time was a surprise to many Democrats and liberal voters. The subsequent wave of sadness and disbelief that began after election day is ongoing, and is only exacerbated by daily news of planes crashing and federal employees being fired. In response to the new president and his unfolding plan for the country, the Democratic Party has announced an unprecedented approach to party politics: doing absolutely nothing.    The early signs that...

By Ishaan Gollamudi   Adapting to the Musk administration’s recent freeze on NIH funding, faculty in the Puget Sound Biology Department have been forced to find alternate ways to fund their research. Fortunately, considering the University’s own history of financial difficulties — and its ongoing broke-ness — faculty on campus are well-versed in operating on a shoestring budget. At this point, it might as well be tradition.   As early as 1889, one year after the founding of the University of Puget Sound, the campus’s financial problems became undeniable. After members of...

By Skye Sheehy   In the wake of Trump’s victory and subsequent flurry of executive orders, many marginalized communities are fearful of what the next four years will bring. In the midst of this, the sense-of-humor community is experiencing a different kind of fear. Humor is a valuable tool in coping with political horrors, but those of us who would normally crack jokes about what hypothetical atrocity Trump will sign for next are facing a unique challenge: the power of manifesting.    What would be a run-of-the-mill “wouldn’t it be crazy if...

By Molly Clement  As the 2024 Summer Olympics have come to an end, the Olympic Committee has been reviewing the idea of new sports and events to be added into the 2028 Olympic Games. One of the top contenders is allowing fraternities to compete independently from their country. This means that our very own Sigma Chi, Phi Delta Theta and Sigma Alpha Epsilon will be competing against each other in four years. With the potential of competition, our frats are evidently already hard at work training for the upcoming competition. ...